5 Seconds

I don't cry......often.
I added that "often" because i'm a human being, not a robot, and above all, because i'm a woman. And women are naturally disposed to crying.
When i say 'cry' I don't mean the silent tears that one usually drops when upset. I drop a tear or two when i'm stressed and having a bad day, when i fight with someone that is dear to me or when i yawn (oddly enough)...By 'cry' i mean whining, squealing, the real thing that females do when they finally lose every bit of self-possession and grace they have.

When i do finally lose it- something that rarely ever happens once or twice a year, it's usually when i'm laying my head at night, muffling my sobs with my pillow. It hurts my eyes a lot when i do cry now...because my eyes aren't used to producing tears, i guess...My head hurts so much and my face gets hot and red it becomes really uncomfortable to do this crying thing...

I almost never cry in front of people at all. Nobody must see this pathetic display of weakness and vulnerability. Nobody needs to know that there is a side like that to me : I listen to people pouring their hearts out all the time, and i'm usually the one doing all the comforting and patting and hugging, but you know what ? i judge these people...Severely...For being so weak and helpless as to do nothing but cry and depend on someone like myself to provide them with emotional security. That's just pathetic if you ask me.
So I wouldn't really like it if i'm one of these people as well; unreasonably breaking into tears in front of someone that probably doesn't give a crap...i do, but i don't think many people have the same capacity to process all this drama and solve the world's problems.

I also think that people would take advantage of me if i show my vulnerable side to them ; i noticed that some people change the way they treated me in the past, like i'm some sort of fragile material that needs to be handled with care....The only thing worse than having to show your weakness to somebody is being pitied for it.
And some of them used to "pry" on this weakness of mine, dropping hints and bringing it up around other people, taking advantage of my total submission to them having no hidden cards to defend myself... this kind of people is the reason i used to hear a snapping voice in my heart in the past...“something seemed to give way inside me, like the snapping of a tightened bow.”
So i just avoid all that bulshit by keeping my complains and troubled confessions to myself and a very narrow circle of people i deeply trust.

And hence it was established that I'm a very calm person : i don't lose it, i don't panic, i don't freak out, i don't cause scenes and all that; i'm known for being cool and collected it ceased to be a pretense anymore... i don't even remember the last time i lost my temper or yelled at somebody; really yelled out of anger -not pretending to be angry to keep appearances because that's the normal reaction, i don't remember the last time i felt angry to the point that i didn't care about ruining my image...Being calm becomes a life style you forget how to snap after a while.

I've been rolling just fine although i've led a difficult life for an average 22 years old living in such a comfortable country (al 7amdulellah in all cases ) ; i rarely ever think about all the difficulties and bs that i had to deal with that much because i keep myself busy ...But when i do, when i realize how unbearable sometimes things could be; and my tears start to flow and breathing becomes difficult and everything looks blurry, i immediately check myself and stop.

It's not that I feel "ashamed" of crying per se ; it just dawns upon me how utterly useless it is to cry in reaction to a certain devastating event, instead of directing my whole emotions and efforts to sort it out. I just truly believe that crying like a baby doesn't solve anything. Does it feel good to cry ? yes. But would it solve the problem ? absolutely not. Well, unless i'm in mourning. So my shame comes from the fact that i actually did something stupid and pointless being completely aware of its stupidity and pointlessness.

Therefore I only allow myself a very limited time before slapping myself into awakening :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
"What are you doing, Rawan? Stop this childish huff".

A sudden, short burst of emotional breakdown actually helps a lot in reducing frustration -if there was actually a need to cry out of frustration, and any more than that is just a pointless waste of emotions...and time..and a fall from grace..And it is actually healthy to know how to control my emotions and know when to stop. One reaches a certain mental age after which they stop needing someone to tell them to pull their shit together. Maybe i learnt that in the few years i've spent living alone in a strange city where i had no one to comfort me when I felt down and needed a hug, or someone to tell me that everything is gonna be okay...
Maybe that's the reason i grew to be emotionally independent ; i just don't frigging need anyone to "be there for me", regardless of the fact that i don't really have such a person anyway.
When i left home I was still that cry baby that used to call her parents everyday and tell them that she wants to go back home. I don't remember when exactly did i stop being "weak" and started confronting people and life...and my own weakness.. but it just happened that i grew out of that crying brat, the spoiled little girl that thought tears would help her go about surviving life, that appealing to the compassionate side in others and showing them my weakness and fragility would make them go easy on me. I grew out of the naive girl that needed her parents to interfere and save her from this cruel, chaotic, so unpeachy world at some point..and for good...
I told myself that I shall be an independent girl. I shall be strong.
I shall be strong.
A strong woman that needs nobody to summon strength to go on, a fierce survivor that is perfectly capable of being on her own.
A strong woman...Let me repeat it again for my own sake: a STRONG woman.
And strong women don't cry, ladies and gents.

It's actually funny how I feel so fresh and humored after i explode for these 5 seconds, mostly because i see how funny my face looks in the mirror. I look very unseemly...Sometimes looking at my teary face and my red eyes and swollen lids and cringy face in the mirror shocks me into silence for a while i forget the original problem...