Hey there, Delilah

It was the Eid eve; our "anniversary"
He called, and i swallowed a lump that got stuck in my throat
Counted how many times it rung before I gathered my guts to answer
It has been 8 months since we last talked
He said "Hello", after a slight pause

And was tryinna sound poised

But I could still hear a tremor in his voice

Just like the first time

And just like the first time
I smiled to myself, shaking my head

He has no idea, does he ?

He doesn't know of all the storms that happened within myself
He doesn't know what I've been doing
In the eternity during which I haven't heard from him
He doesn't know that I threw quite a tantrum
Throwing chairs and flipping tables in my mind saying that i'm going to shun
The slightest thought of that pri-.. man

I tried to forget how he sounded

To blur his face in my mind
It took me so long
Lots of patience
Tanks of confined tears
And mental jeers at my state
Heaps of crumbled papers
And drafted prates
But i did it in the end
By a careful scheme of self-discipline
I managed to not feel bitter when his name came up
And the butterflies in my stomach ceased to flap
When I saw him online on Whatsapp

I knew I didn't love him

My butterflies are disturbed when I'm hungry as well
That is not the reason I was so troubled and shaken
On that i'm not mistaken
I know I don't love him still
Only I was compelled and cornered by guilt
To plant a little seed in my heart and force it to sprout
Nurturing it with the false hopes I held
Hopes of denial turning to acceptance
Hopes of this nonexistent feel to somehow blossom in my heart
And turn into something real
Though I didn't love him
He awakened something in me
Made me believe in immaculate love
Made me feel beautiful with a ravishing tact

He's slapped my senses to awakening then stormed out of my life

And i had to deal with the wreckage alone
I missed...talking to him so much
But he was the one that walked away on his own
Why did he have to wait a century to call?
I know there is no obligation to stay in contact
We aren't even lovers
Nor best friends
Nor anything definable, in fact
He was just there shining from afar
Like the sun, and I, like the moon
Grave when he looked away
And bright when he smiled upon me
I needed him, and so i fluttered to my swoon
Like a firefly hovers towards a candle
To its doom
It's not the attention that i wanted, of that I'm fed a spoon every day
Do you ever love a person for how pure their soul is
And want to be in their presence for no exact reason?
To be in their presence at all times, but not at all within their embrace

Perhaps I'm just brazenly selfish

And he was too busy concealing his feelings
To read my eyes and realize
That his love breaks things in my chest
And when he calls,
He doesn't know that my thoughts go spiral
To the ends of the universe and beyond
In the few seconds of silence
During which he awaits me to respond

I said "Hey"

I don't even remember what we talked about
Probably some gibberish that doesn't make sense
A few giggles here and there
Completely random and ridiculous
But i was overjoyed
A bit taken aback at how i complicated things
But overjoyed, for some reason
"Was his voice always this thin ?", I chuckled
I missed this
Just like the old times
I missed...him
Until I realized that I could hear at the end of his lines
And between his pauses for breath
The things he wanted to say but didn't
The feels he wanted to convey but couldn't

Kindred spirit, why are you doing this ?

I gave up long ago, and let the flowers in my heart die

The garden of my feelings was left unattended it has long gone dry
So why are you still watering it with your unneeded care

Why are you still trying to fry my mental faculties by 

Your epic display of sly allurement
And your peculiar way of telling  me a thousand love poems
Without the need to utter a single statement ?

I'm trying not to notice

And I'm trying to summon the strength to feign ignorance

Because not knowing about all this

Is the best excuse I could ever find for acting so dense

Faking blindness

To the ocean of emotions trapped in your eyes 

And the shy, fidgety lips, wanting to smile

And end up flapping like a gull in the distance

Feigning deafness

To your trembling voice

The incoherent change

From whispers to squawks 

When you talk

The nervous laugh and the occasional lisps

Before cracking a stupid joke

When you see love as clear as the sun in a summer sky

As evident as a drop of blood on a plain of snow
As obvious as a pine in a field of rye
But you deny it
You reject it
Because it is what you have always sought
And didn't want to find
It is all what you ever wanted to have

But were too afraid to hold in your arms

To love is scary
Being loved is even more so

I said something about how it was nice catching up, and that i had to go
And I don't remember who hung up first, but i think it was I who did
For I wanted it to be over before I broke apart and started to yelp
Like a little child, not knowing what I wanted, but thinking that crying would help
Taking comfort on the shoulders of the silent listener
On the other side of the dead line..

Mein Kampf

My Struggle

Ever came to the conclusion that you are just a lousy human being ?

You could never get it right, this being alive business, by following the book
You try to occasionally improvise but you stumble miserably
While all the kids your age seem to have it all figured out
What they are doing with their lives and where their future lies
With their feet planted firm on earth
Well-adjusted to scuffle and mirth
Everybody else seems so natural at bonding
While all you are natural at is pressing against the wall
A plain flower of indifference
Making room for life to pass by
Sitting at the furthest seat in a banquet of hullabaloo
Standing by the door at a party, so no one will notice when you leave
The one content with listening
Just listening
Sometimes, you try to catch up with the conversation
But you soon realize it isn't what you'd rather be sipping
So you chew on the gum of observation
Until you get found out and forced into participation
"Why do you always look so sad?", they would throw in
I'm not sad, I'm just exahsuted
See, that's the struggle; gentlemen
To fit in and find your place in the buzzing beehive
In a crowd of different faces and distinct traces
It seems even harder to blend in

Tell me, sir, why is living such a drag ?

Couldn't everyone be perfect replicas of each other,
Thinking the same way, liking the same trends,
Catching the same kinda feels, and seeking the same ends ?
Wanting to talk and discuss ,expand and impress on the same questions ?
Wouldn't we live in a harmonious world then ?
A world where it is fine to look the other way while talking
When you don't want your eyes to betray
All the confusion and fray they are hiding
A world where you wouldn't find it troublesome to express
When your thoughts have gone astray
Because your audience would make an effort to read between the lines
And fill in the gaps in your breath
A world where it is acceptable to theatrically break down under the weight of stress
A world tolerant of the sudden, extended silence mid-conversations
And totally okay with frequent eye-contact
With the stranger setting across from you in public transportation

Do you sometimes wonder whether it is only you
Who thinks that way;
Doesn't anyone else wish that wanting to be themselves wasn't so constraining ?
Don't they secretly think that swimming with the flow is so tedious and draining ?
Perhaps it is true, we are all equally confused
And socially obtuse
We are all supposed to be in this together,
So why are they so good at pretending to fuse ?
"Was there a Life Hacks 101 class I missed ?", you think
Then what if I refuse to walk down the same path wearing the pair of shoes everyone took turns wearing?
What if I don't want to get out of my shell and participate ?

What if I want to embrace my pillow
And hide beneath my blankets, instead of going out there
And fake it
Instead of trying to bear with the pressure to adjust and adapt ?
The constant hammering at the back of my mind
To find a place to belong to, seeing how inapt I am
What if I don't mind doing my own thing
My own observations and metaphysical musings
Having my own sense of  sad humor
My own hematic genre of music
My own futuristic sense of fashion
Having my own bizarre interests, my own sit of  I Hate, and I Can Tolerate
Hiding a secret list of 100 Things To Do Instead Of Studying For A Test ?
Blending in with the background, drunk in my contemplation

What if I'm fine with being who I am even
If I'm an extra piece of a puzzle that came with the box
And didn't find a spot to hang on to ?

For, after all, what good did ever come out of
Forcing myself to assume a personality
To put on a mask for the sole purpose of gaining popularity
When at the end of the day, it's my face
That will disappear in the crowd of fakers
And it's my soul that is going to blend in the palette of mundane thinkers

And what if I decide that I'm so done being heartbroken ?
That it's high time to defend my originality
By taking defense
To barricade myself in a tower of seclusion
To content myself with the illusory win against life,
When I'm actually defeated and thrown into exclusion
A little birdie that didn't try to fly, was hindered by fear and couldn't leave the tree
Because the warm nest of my comfort zone was such a safe haven
A ship perpetually anchored at the dock, lest it hits a reef bed
On its way out to the vast ocean

Come, have you ever thought how absurd it is
To be so heartbroken and defeated by life in the first place ?
Even though you are still this young, and never left the nest ?
Even though, as they say, you couldn't have already seen
All the worst of this life, nor even the best ?
And that it is wrong to recoil back to your shell of solitude
After facing the first tempest?
And ever thought how your heart would look like
If you could cut open your chest this minute
While you are still breathing, and your heart beating ?
Oh, a maroon organ covered in veins
Constantly pumping life through your limbs and brain
A living entity

You might be wrong
Wrong

Maybe, it's just dead, cracked and rusty
Maybe it will all make sense, when you take a peak on the inside
Maybe there is something wrong with your heart
Maybe it is drenched in darkness and swart
And you can walk around, like the rest, you can breath and talk
But you can't fathom things properly; you have to force yourself to feel
The same way your lungs would forget how to breath on their own
And you have to forcefully suck air every couple of seconds
Until they remember and catch up with the reel

And maybe you know exactly why you are this way
That there wasn't a certain point in time where you started to crack
It's the little things that broke you to pieces, eventually
Like a bow, strained till its nocks kiss
And finally snapping in a violent counter
When it could handle no more stress

You don't have to experience a failed romance
To get your heart so wrecked
Disappointment does the trick
Disappointment in humans
In humanity
In life
In yourself
In everything
In nothing

Disappointment

Its weight is way heavier than any anchor out there
And its reality-check beats you to a plump
When you fall from the cliff of your romantic expectations
And hit the ground
Every lie is a dagger to the heart
Every mask unveiled is a nail planted in your chest
Every icy look from an ex lover
Every isolated nook in which your dark thoughts hover
Every unrequited sentiment you've bore

Is a bullet piercing through to your core

A Ring Made of Flesh

I poked her little pinky hand, thinking she was asleep...and she clasped my finger so tight, without opening her eyes and interrupting her sweet dreams.

I mused in exhilaration; look at these tiny, curled fingers...how could her hand be so small as to barely surround my index?

How was it possible for this fragile being that was nurtured in a dark womb, immersed in a fluid that mutes foreign sounds, and was part of someone else's body for 9 months to be so alive, have a personality on its own ,unpredictable actions that can throw you into a state of mirthful amusement...

How it sleeps so soundly and noiselessly; already feeling so secure and in place, though it just got to a strange world ...
How it doesn't know that its mother has bled and suffered to bring it to this life, but it instinctively clasps at her chest because it's the only home it knows...

I believe a mother's lengthy pregnancy months and momentary suffering during delivery are all forgotten at the sight of their newborn; only this heavenly moment of peace and serenity shall remain in memory..

Holding it in your arms, warm, red-cheeked, wrinkly....what could be more blissful than having one single creature on which you can concentrate the overflowing abundance of love you have ?

I could see it on this lady's face ; looking at her, holding her newborn makes me ecstatic with emotions...
All the love pouring from her eyes,
All this.. tenderness with which her face beams..
You can see it all
You can actually see love, it's not an untouchable sentiment
You can read love like you read poetry, in the eyes of the one that bears it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, little angel,
My sleeping beauty in a lovely white gown made of innocence and pureness, 

Would you remember me when you grow up, and ever wonder who was that stranger that let you clasp her finger ,putting off her departure so as not to disturb your sleep ? 

Would you remember all this gust of tender emotions i've felt for you, that I, in a moment of ecstasy, almost swore to stand against the whole world to protect you, that i'd catch a grenade for you, that i would shield you with my own body against the vileness and afflictions of this world , and that i would love you, with all my heart, and all the passion i can summon now and for years to come ?

That i would love you, little one, even though it was the first time i met you, and even though you still didn't have a name...

Would you remember my face, my kind, watery eyes, and curved lips, when you grow up and look back, rummaging through the drawers of your past for a happy childhood memory ?

Would you remember once a stranger that loved you more than anything in this world in a rhapsody of feelings ?

Orchestra of Arrogance And Abhorrence

Andante

The first time I met him, he called out and overtook me
Blocked my way, while crossing his arms
I thought to myself, "what insolence"
"How bold ,and ignorant on how to address a lady"
But I found it amusing
For it's kinda dull when everyone follows the rules
I bet that's not written in the playbook of "How To Charm A Girl"
And it's precisely what struck me about that fool
He evidently thinks he's a dandy
And that all he needs to impress
Is to show up and play it cool

Moderato

He stands too close,
Yet never looks you in the eyes when he speaks
And he is not spontaneous, he would go momentarily with the flow
Then steers back to wherever he wanted in briskness
Though most of his comments are suave, or so he believes
He would suddenly ask a question that throws you off-balance

So i thought to myself,
Niggas bad news

Largo

I don't like the vibe I'm getting from this person
It's quite vexatious how he thinks he's got the moves
I dislike a smart-a*s who loves to flaunt
And it seems he so desperately has a point to prove
Hey, you can be a smart-a*s all you want
Exclusively around your home boys
That crap doesn't work out for me
Oh, and I don't think you've taken a look at the mirror today

Accelerando

It started to really pick on my nerves, how snobbish he is
That ratchet ego of his is getting troublesome
And the way he would swagger like a peacock
Is kinda bothersome
I say, you don't know me well, sir
But you seem to hover around
For a reason I don't understand
So I would like to make a few things clear
Because you seem to veer whenever I try to curve you

1) Words don't sway me
And you don't even Slam

2) Looks don't draw me, not that you are charming
And you can't even Dunk

3) You stop 5 steps away and expect me for some reason
To reach out for you

Ay, what's with that, punk ?

I don't really care, I can ignore your stares
Because i'm not interested back
But your vanity is pissing me off
And you most definitely don't stand a chance
So do you wanna play a game to see who's going to give in ?

The war is ON. fetch your lance, son

Allegro

My abhorrence is evolving into something I can't control
My usual protocol is to never deal with someone I dislike
I don't even look their way when I pass by
I ignore their living existence
And retrace my steps when I see them while looking askance
Because otherwise I have to be candid and blurt away my unbearable contempt
I have that kinda face that says it all, even when my lips are sealed shut

Presto

For a while now, my heart seems to skip a beat or two
When I see him waving from afar
It even stops for a few seconds when he texts
Didn't know that repulsion could mess with your heart like that
I turn the other way when I chance upon them while out
And when i'm caught, I never linger to chat
Exchange formalities and quickly go on my way
Before I betray this tangled lump of feelings
I'm carrying in my chest

Prestissimo

Come, is it normal for abhorrence to suddenly remove its mask
And reveal its lovely hidden face
After all this struggle and relegation ?
And is it acceptable for feelings
To abandon their bashfulness
And vehemently bask under the sunlight, naked
And comfortable with exposition?
I thought I was sure of how I divided people
This one I like,
This one I don't
This one I can tolerate,
And this one I absolutely hate

Right ?

So imagine the upsetting confusion
When your own heart starts acting up
And you can't tell right form left
When it comes to your own emotions
See, at first I thought that I hated his guts with passion
But after a long deliberation

I think,
No, I most probably am
Madly infatuated by this person.

Well, sh*t.