Do I Wanna Know?

I know what you meant by that vexatious gesture
Liking that Instagram picture with my new "BFF" caption
It kinda hurts, though
You pressed a virtual button on your phone
And I wrote this poem
Because it felt as if you've shot an arrow
Dipped with your bitter slings
An arrow that knew by habit
How to evade my ribs and aim right through to my heart
And, I know
For we've lived under the same roof once and I know you well
To divine what you think
Hell , we shared the same pillow when we used to watch movies late at night
And I'd fall asleep half-way through, next to you

Do you still remember ?

Warm memories like that make a safe abode to return to
When you look back amid the storm of life
Trying to look for the closest Check Point
Before every thing went wrong
And it's true
That I have plenty of friends now ,of which i'm fond
But your absence still hurts
Because I'm growing older and wiser
And with the passing years I realize that sharing the same genes
With your best friend is a priceless kind of bond
That you can't manufacture based on demand
And...when I watch other kinsmen rolling around
Carriers of the same blood, so connected and bound
Biding close and sticking together against the blows of life

Arguing with zeal but forgetting about it by next day
Not having to conceal their shame nor their flaws
Because they know you, and they know al beer wo '3a6aha
And I just muse and wonder what ever went wrong...

Hey,
Whatever went wrong ?

And yes, they were your replacement, as a matter of fact
But I wasn't tryinna rub it in your face
Nor tried to deface the beauty of what we had
I was just looking for the same connection somewhere else
But the fact that you took it as an offence
Is a sign that you still care, amirite ?
I realize how ridiculous and childish this whole farce seems
Maybe it's not that mainstream a fight
We've grown out of our old ,young selves
But we still spat in such a juvenile way
Because this is all what's left to us
We can't go back to how we were
So exchanging punches around the bush is all we got
As proof that we once cared
I truly do miss you, although, and I have to admit how it pains me
When I hear about you from folks that didn't know you
The way I did
I go like "Yeah, i know"
While trying to hide my anguish-laced embarrassment
At how i'm supposed to be part of the coup
How I pass by the places I know you frequent
And I hold my phone or pretend that i'm busy chatting with a friend
To appear happy and content without you around
Just in case you happened to be there
And when we are forced by due courtesy to be at the same place
At the same time
So we stand 5 feet apart, interchanging nods and salutations
How we try to keep up appearances in front of our relations
By exchanging curt condolences and dry congratulations
Glancing sideways, never making eye contact
Because it burns
Forever misjudging and distrusting
Covertly thrusting and taking turns
In firing shots

Amigo, we need to stop doing this

I'm growing older and wiser and I realize that I wanna be back in your life
As bad as I want you back in mine
But you are still antagonizing me, saying that I'm "a snake"
When I'm not around
Accusing me of being "condescending" and "fake"
And I catch wind of you talking trash and tryinna wound me
Without putting your face at stake
But I'm not planning to fend your bullets anymore
I'm done fighting from my side
I'm just waiting for you to grow up and stop acting like a lil snide
But if you are counting on me to come out of my hole
And fix what's wrecked
You are counting, my friend, on a shaky fence that's bound to fall
For I never learnt how to fix , I only know how to destroy
And this lengthy feud made me so good at manipulation and ploys
Believe me, I could have raised the white flag ages ago
If I knew for sure that it would have ended this fray
But i don't want to step on my ego on the way to shake your hands
While you take pleasure in abusing my diligence
I'm the wise one here, I know, but it wasn't even my fault, as I recall
You still owe me an apology; before we allow the water to run back to its tracks
For what's the point if the stream is still foul

And you still pretending that it is to you a matter of "pride"
Whose pride is that ?, allow me to ask
When no wrong has been done to you ?
When i received all the hits
When I had to pay the bill and took your sortie
Though I was the one slandered and I was the one in pain
And I was the one obliged to bottle up and rein
I held fire because i was only too good to sink so low
And you, you held the door without a pause of affect
So confound you, my friend. with all due respect

Nay,
forgive me, for to flay was not my initial aim
It was my damn Pride throwing a tirade to win acclaim
What is there to say, when pride has the last verdict?
Except that I pray in the quite of the night
I hope, and I yearn that our ways intersect
Believe me I wish that I can call you one day
On matters aside from courtesy and business
And we can laugh and joke around, and talk nonsense
Maybe next year, or perhaps hence
When we are old enough to grasp that blood is thicker than water
That life is too short to waste on feuds and blunders
And we start to appreciate the things that truly matter
So i'm gonna ask you ,one more time

Do I wanna know, if this feeling goes both ways?


* Mamihlapinatapai : Yaghan tongue, noun. "The wordless, yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start.”

On Anticipation And Dread

I lie in wait ,shrunken in my car seat
It was a night quiet as a grave, dark as the air of a bereaved
I could almost touch my breath in this cold
A ghost escaping my guts, floating about
Hitting the roof like solitude hit my consciousness
And I lie in wait, for a phone call, for a twist in fate
A dripping cone in my hands to quill the flames in my guts
See, when all goes wrong one has to be in control of their pain
Every lick sent shivers down my bent spine
And stuck a hundred needles unto my frozen tongue
Every lick is a declaration of defiance, against whom, it wasn't clear
But it keeps me alive, though frost-stung

Why do you think pain is so delectable?

Because tormenting thyself becomes a habit
When you are too numbed to feel
And too slow to understand that you dread what you wish for

That phone call, it came

I held my breath
It's ringing
Chiming
Threatening
Resounding like the old bells of Rome
Echoing through the Mosaic panes and reflecting off the dome

Do I answer, or do I not ?

To answer is to end a millennium spent in suspense and anxiety
A peculiar blend of dread and anticipation
But hold on,
Maybe I don't want to disappoint my surging expectations
By picking up the phone and revealing the unknown
Perhaps the lengthy pine was better than this horror
For, can you tell me about hope and optimism
When you've crossed that long tunnel
Only to find that your sought-after exit is but a wan kindle
Maybe,
Maybe,
You should've halted your ramble and camped where you were
Forever thinking falsely that salvation is but yonder
That the gratification of your hunger is close to your reach
But only if you want it
And only if you dare

It makes you wonder if oblivion is truly a bliss
Whether hope gorges on darkness and feeds on blind guess
But ceases to grow and takes its regress
When reality comes over, sneering with a hiss

And what was wrong with waiting anyway ?
The night was long, and, it's true, I was servile
But i was tryinna fend the epilogue of my struggle
To cap the bottle of my hopes was something i didn't intend
For waiting lights the torch of hope in your heart
While weakens your will to change your present
And you can remain the certified weakling that you are
Hiding under your blankets, shivering in the dark
Pretending that it's too cold
When you are just too scared to face the gloom of reality
And the factual morbidity

I lie in wait,
Ignoring the fact that I've reached the end of my tunnel
And it's time to grasp that it's a dead end for me
Unless I bare my claws and start drilling my way out
Staining my lap with the dirt of ambition
But I'm wearing a white gown of defeatism that I want to keep clean
It's perfumed with the false impression that everything is gonna work out somehow, even if I don't attempt to get out of this spleen
I thought that I was nonchalantly being Jacque's abundance of Fatalism
But I'm actually Jack's Total Lack of Motivation
And my sole excuse is that
I'm still waiting for a sign from Heaven to step out of my comfort zone
So picking up the phone and knowing that i'm doomed, my friend
Is simply and obviously out of the question

And so I lie in wait
Holding my cone
Hands trembling, my mind frozen
While my ice cream melted
Seeped between my fingers and dug through my lap
The ringing,
The torture,
Seemed to have stopped
Or perhaps it never rang and it was just a flap
Induced by boredom and mental suspense
Which, is highly probable, ladies and gents
And hence I shall keep awaiting
For another eternity
A phone call that i'm not going to answer

Out of cowardice