Es Muss Sein

Or Raison D'etre

He and my dad were conversing about politics or some serious topic that concerns not many people. The only thing I remember was that I was following their discussion with a great attention. I've always liked to listen to adults talking; especially when they spoke in low tones, and had these grave looks on their eyes. Of course it was a great privilege to be a "child that doesn't understand" in their eyes as it allowed me to practice my observations without raising suspicions.
He glanced at me, mid my eavesdropping, and suddenly said to my dad.

"You know, your daughter will turn out to be someone of great significance, one day."

"..........................the question is when."

You might think a 7-years old wouldn't heed such random lines, wouldn't understand their real weight, contending herself with being praised in such sophisticated terms.. But were they truly random ?
"Great" and "When", standing like two giants opposite each others, comparing their heights, meant a lot of things and I perfectly understood them.
That moment was especially carved in my memory because it was the first time i heard the calling of my Es muss sein ! (Beethoven's no.16).
Es muss sein is symbol for a weighty duty. It has to be done ; it can't be otherwise, or it would crush your ego under its massive weight; a purpose that you choose, or it chooses you, it doesn't matter which.
I found a purpose that crowned my life with a meaning. I was happy.

I don't think it's that sorry of a thing to lead your life for the sole purpose of fulfilling a purpose imposed upon you by someone else. I didn't understand at the time that every person is supposed to find their own calling in life and carry its weight up the mountain. I only knew that he told me to be a great person, and I sat about trying to do just that.
My calling was personified in him. This person's function was to remind me that I was ,basically ,worthless. Not in a demeaning sense, but in the grand scheme of things, I needed to understand that "I'm not yet there", because he still didn't nod..

No matter what I did, no matter how far ahead I got, no matter how satisfied with my achievements I was, that person would shrug their shoulders. It meant it's still not enough.
I'm not good enough.
I need to try harder.
I need to strife more.
More
More

But he wouldn't look at Me and acknowledge Me no matter what I did.

He threw that weight on my back and turned around without a care that I should break.

And slowly, I believe, my life became nothing but a comic, yet woeful ,soap opera displaying my struggle for recognition.

When I was called "Young Scientist" and summoned to the stage, when I slit my way among a crowd of strangers clapping and smiling and nodding at me, saying unintelligible phrases between their congrats, I didn't understand what was the big deal;

Is it that impressive to do what one is supposed to do ?

Isn't the satisfaction of expectations the natural course of action?

What you are applauding for isn't Me, it's a deceitful facade that doesn't represent me.

When I mounted that stage and looked at the unknown faces cheering for me I had but one thought :

He isn't here.

He, and he alone was the one I'm pursuing. And he wasn't there.

My whole life was summarized in this moment : it was supposed to be a moment of pure joy and victory, esteemed victory, it should have made up for my life that was consumed by continuous pursuits and internal wars. But there was no closure.

It was a very important turning point during my adolescence because it marked the end of a long, long struggle between myself and my duty ,by the glorious win of the later. Or was it?

You know, when you take a deep breath and look at the big picture, great yet obvious realizations suddenly hit you :

Would he have truly been proud, if he was here ? Was there a way for him to know that his "Yes, you did well" meant the world to me ? An end to a struggle ? Would he have possible understood that words can make or break a person, if uttered at the right time, at the right moment where their bones are shuffling and their mind is taking form for the last time ?

Did he think I was caged for too long and it was time to release me, whether I succeeded in my mission or not ? Did he perceive, quite late, that he imposed his Es Muss Sein on me without heeding my youth, not realizing how hefty it was on my shoulders, nor how it crushed me, and crushed the dreams that I was yet to have ? So he fled.

Bewilderment took possession of  me.
And then came enlightenment.

Whether my duty was accomplished or not, it doesn't matter anymore, I thought. Because I , yes, "I", for it was high time "I" finally spoke , decided to break my own chains and flee; it was the time I let myself out of this odious cage called "expectations".

I felt a spiritual freedom...and freedom tasted good.

So good it transfigured into something akin to rage. In my head, I started cracking my way out of this rigid, mute statue of perfection that everyone admired and inside which my real self was kept hidden..or rather trapped.
I broke out and fell over the broken pieces smashing them, grinding them under my feet with such wrath, such frenzy pumped with haughtiness and vanity. I've conquered the one and only obstacle in my life, the spines that was stuck in my throat, his expectations ;my chains. It was an epic escape.

Nobody understood why I quit. Let go of a chance to be "as great as my predecessors". How could I not continue down the brilliant road paved ahead for me, fulfilling all the great things that others thought I could do ? I'm just a child though.

If you knew me personally before this revolution, my dear reader, I would like to tell you that it wasn't out of spite that I rebelled, of that I'm sure. It was a necessary step to enforce my identity. To separate myself and my Es muss sein. One look at where I ended up and where I was supposed to go can tell a great deal about the cyclone that occurred inside my mind when I realized this : there is absolutely no material purpose that deserves to be your raison d'etre.


And...ever since that day, I believe, I never took anything seriously. To my great joy, and woe.