To my one and only friend, to my eternal enemy.
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It was summer of 2006. You probably wouldn't remember since many years has passed since then, but i perfectly do, because it was one of these moments one faces once or twice in their life time that causes a hurricane in their heart. That's how it felt to the 14 years old me.
You said, while we were making the beds, "Why do you look so miserable when no one is paying attention ? it's like you have two personalities and you switch to the cheerful one when you are around people."
What you said threw me off-balance I couldn't say any thing for a while..
I heard the crashing sound of glass somewhere..and the sound of strained strings snapping inside of me one after another :
Tuk. Tuk.Tuk
I was caught off-guard.
I felt utter confusion ..."what are you saying, silly ? pfft ", is what I wanted to say, but a grip of betrayal started clutching at my neck, slowly making it harder to breath...
My whole world fell crumbling upon me...
Why did you have to say that ? Why did you notice ? And why didn't you say anything before, choosing this peaceful moment of childish innocence to reveal to me that I've been seen through, all this time.
I lied to myself for years, telling myself that i can be normal, i can be if i pretend to be happy, if i practiced smiling until i perfect it, if i become a joker that mocks life and mocks sadness and sad people.
I thought I was coming closer to my perfect lie...but you had to ruin everything by one single ingenious comment on a lovely day in June.
I failed.
I knew deep down that you were the only person that perfectly understood me in this entire world, and because of that i knew also that we can't be friends for too long...
Didn't you notice how the slumber parties ceased ? How I never show up when you are leaving to the airport ? How I only stay for an hour or so when you come back ? We stopped being close because we became too close..
You bring back all my insecurities to the surface, you remind me of my litost, you see right through me, you peel the layers under which i've hid myself for years, one by one, until there is no where to hide, you take off my theatrical masks and break them, you corner me, standing akimbo, with a sly, yet comforting smile on your face.
There is no way to run to.
I feel naked in front of you.
You might read this letter one day out of curiosity, and realize that it is addressed to you. Well, i made no effort to make this letter ambiguous in any way, because I want you to know how much you mean to me, and how much you changed me. I keep saying that I'm not that person anymore.
But I just couldn't bring myself to answer your question after all these years. I'm deeply sorry that I left your life so suddenly.
I love you.
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