Before I entered that place, I was bored with life..disinterested...tired is the right word, actually. One reaches a point where it gets really tiresome to carry on, strife, meet people, bond with them, plan your future and set out to make it happen...just waking up in the morning and thinking that you have to go through all that is enough to put you down.. Life itself drains you sometimes and one keeps thinking that the strings attaching them to this world aren't enough to make them want to carry on.
At least i did.
But I wasn't exactly suicidal nor particularly contemplating the idea of killing myself before coming here...I'm not that stupid as to commit a great sin as letting go of my precious life. I wasn't that cynical anyway..You know, the strings connecting me to this world might not be very strong (I'm not going to say they are weak), but still, they exist, and the people to which they are connected are bound to suffer if i disappear and I don't want them to go through that...of that I'm sure. Plus who would think of committing such a horrible crime in a holly place like this.
I was just surprised at how easy it was for me to just accidentally fall from the crooked railings and break my neck. The sudden proximity of death was what alarmed me and instigated this whole train of thoughts. Strange isn't it ? you think you've already made up your mind about something, deciding it's out of the question, but when an opportunity to achieve it so readily presents itself, you suddenly start to doubt yourself all over again.
"Suppose i let myself fall from here "accidentally", what do you think will happen ?", i asked myself, rhetoricallly of course.
I sank to the depths of reverie as usual, with my eyes closed, while i was trying to imagine all the possible outcomes of such a small, single step... And i think i came back to my senses after i descended the stairs and noticed that I was staring emptily at the inner dome, and the luminous chandelier.
I felt strangely at peace..Masajed are so peaceful and have a purifying effect indeed..
Nobody was there, it was night time...The full moon outside and a starry, clear sky were visible from the enormous windows...and then there was the grand chandelier pouring a stream of light all over the place.
An excess of light engulfed me, engulfed my mind and heart and soul and entire entity..Being there alone, surrounded with all this bewitching illumination made me almost believe that i transferred into another universe. This is the magical wedding of time and place I was talking about.
Did you know that when you are present when such a fortuity is happening, 9 out of 10 times you will reach at a big realization that will change your life?
I felt great and small, because I realized a very profound ,yet obvious truth I was too stupid to grasp before with all my ,supposedly, academic and cultural finery.
When I was contemplating the dome of the masjed and the majestic chandelier, it suddenly hit me : i didn't realize, before that night, that i don't actually need the love of a mortal, and I don't need to love any mortal back, I only need to love God ,with all my might, and only then my life would have a wonderful meaning !
Do you understand what it means to love God, dear batushka ? to love Him ,entirely, submissively, purely, to just love Him, because He put you on this earth and granted you the option of living your life and wander around ,free-willed and clueless as you are, to discover that believing in and loving Him is the ultimate conclusion ?
No, LOOK ME IN THE EYES and tell me, sir, that you understand what it means to be a muslim by CHOICE ,not because you were born to muslim parents in a muslim country, not having to go through all that process of "self-discovery" and "spiritual endeavor" that non-believers have to go through, which makes their faith unshakable when they finally find their way back to God.
Do you understand what it means to fill your empty heart and heal your sick soul, tired and poisoned with all this darkness infesting it, with the pure and beautiful love you hold for God ? to worship Allah, not only because you fear Him, but because He is the only one that unconditionally loves you for who you are, because He knows you more than you know yourself, and knows all your unbearable pain and suffering, and because He loves you infinitely ?
Don't get me wrong, I used to pray and do all my duties as a muslim as best as i could. I knew my religion and i never questioned my faith; what I failed to understand this whole time was that I was looking for fulfillment in the wrong place, I was looking for happiness in the realm of mortals, I thought I would find it if I find my place among other human beings and continuously receive love from them trying to fill the void inside of me....But I failed to realize that darkness and emptiness are intertwined, they are an evil malady and they originate from one source : absence of inner light.
It doesn't matter how much love i receive if I have a black hole for a heart that absorbs everything and returns nothing, that never gets enough love. It doesn't matter how much effort and time were consumed in vain trying to fill that hole. Nothing can counter emptiness like infinity, for the love of God bestowed upon us knows no limits.
Light replaces darkness in your soul. It fills the fathomless hollow within you, patches up the cracks time left on your weary heart, and then it overflows and spreads to everyone around you creating a bright aura that matches the sun's. And that is the kind of light i felt torching inside my chest when i was engulfed by physical and spiritual illumination.
You have no idea how free i felt when i walked out of that place. My entire attitude towards life was changed. I got there dead and came back alive and wanting to live even more.
Whenever i feel lonely, sad, empty in the inside, i know immediately that the stock of light in my heart is running out and that I'm doing something wrong.
I swear, batushka, it's true that all the tranquility and peace of mind is achieved if you fix your connection with God. I just didn't realize how true it was....I guess such conclusions can't be perceived through reading books and listening to lectures; you just have to go through the entire experience to formulate and carve them into your consciousness.
I feel okay now, I feel happy, and I want to live as much as i can ,trying to be a better person everyday...I only pray that this torch keeps burning stronger and stronger inside of me.
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