The Fall II

It took me seven years to break apart

I've got to give it to myself, it's quite admirable that I held it together this long
Whipping the diffused bits of my willpower back to the confinement of my heart
When lovers and mentors have left me stranded
Mid air
It was solemn, in a dreadful way
A tight knot eventually snapping when pulled from both sides
A bleak kitsch of confused essence, finally taking a conceivable shape
Splashes of chaos on a grand canvas
Of despair

That I don't remember when i started painting

Have you ever done this, to concurrently cry in a trembling spaz
And laugh at how easy it was to let go of your firm grip
On sanity ?
When no one else is bearing witness to your pathetic display of weakness
In a demented frenzy of madness that you knew in your bones was inevitable
See ,pride in your strength is commended
But the faintest treads can shatter a glacier
When it's conquered with a thousand veins of frailty
It would've been truly terrible, had I not been a muser
One that never ceases to admire the pictorial facet of desolation
And observes with a smile as it all comes down in slow motion
As the deep crack in my being expands and reaches to the core
And all my pillars of reason crumble to the floor
Unleashing the scattered beams of light curtained before by my bulk
Standing erect against the blows of time
Rigid as a mountain from the outside

Fragile as a newborn from the inside

Never thought I'd ever stop in awe before the grandeur of
My fall

Death In The Afternoon

My grandfather's 30 years old Oud falls from its display stand
And breaks in half
Suddenly, like death, interrupting heedless felicity

Father said with a sad air that it was its day and there was no helping it
Mother said it was pro'lly a deflected 3ain
And I just stood there looking at the broken instrument
Older than the walls it used to grace
A treasure once kept away from my curious hands
Its remains now carelessly collected in a box
The same way you'd throw the guts of a slain cattle

Lo, across the neat cut between the Neck and Ribs
Is a cluster of muddled strings, aghast and confused
Like an offspring of a divorced couple

That doesn't know with whom to belong
Makes you wish it was cremated to the bones and got blown with the spring breeze
To save the last bits of dignity it had
When it used to sing
It was one of these symbolic ends,
A full stop at the end of prose
The withering of a blooming flower in a dark nook
Death in the living room, ironically
Without a warning shot
In a quite afternoon

Did you know ?
Some losses scratch your heart gently, like the blink of a maiden
And others drill at your chest like a trapped rat tryinna escape a flooded tunnel
Some losses crack you a bit from the inside, you don't notice it then
Nor do you feel the ache
Not at the time
But one more blow, harder and more spiteful
Would shatter the fragile mirrors you keep in the boudoir of your heart

In my melancholic pondering i thought...
Perhaps if it was carved with the same piece of timber
It wouldn't have broken in half
Because joining two antithetical parts that don't belong and esteeming the union
Far above expectations
So they would look like a fine, perfect,untouchable piece of art
To the idle attendant looking from their stand on the dirt of mediocrity
Is the reason all things fall apart
And it struck me then
That I wasn't affected because the old damn Oud was suddenly no longer
It just got me thinking, though arguably it was unrelated

Are we, too, gonna fall and break into pieces out of the blue ?

Are we gonna fall from our polished throne of fictitious happiness
And shatter into convulsing fragments of hopelessness
Still clinging to the hem of denial's dress in a despairing fit
A splintered set of Chinese that can be easily glued back with 9oba3 Ameer
But it will never be the same

A limp instrument, presented with shame
Rendered inept of producing a sound without the dormant fear

Of ever crumbling again

Anarchy Of The Heart

I wasn't used to being addressed as a girl
Still am

Being told things like "you are pretty" and "graceful"
Or that i'm "wifey material" and all that flirtatious crap
That boys use to trap the girls of their dreams
I know the drill
I was the chill girl, back at school
Had a mountain bike and a pair of skaters
Read comic books and rocked in sneakers
Attended a class full of chaps
I grew up surrounded by boys

So I didn't think I needed to be with a boy,you know, that way

No homo
And I thought I was immune to this shit, man

A racing heart, a crimson-blushed face, an awkward wit
I thought I was too fulfilled to text first
Too wise to get swept off my feet by common courtesy
That Platonic idea of people being created in pairs
And had to set out looking for their missing parts?
That was way too ridiculous to me
You know, you can either force the pieces of a blank puzzle to fit
Or you can wait an eternity to figure which lays where
And some wolves are meant to stray alone
And thus I have led my life
Until I met you, you insufferable
And I came to realize that when the time is right
It appears that love is the awakening slap of a maiden's heart
I don't do this,fam, secretly writing our initials by the shore
Leaving them there, knowing that the waves will wash my embarrassment away
But still looking back to make sure that the ocean has collected my secret into safe keep

And I never had before, to stop and think if I should type "Hahaha" or "lol"
Or if i used way too many emojis in my text
I never do THIS,
Setting down to write a damn poem
About..
About feelings

About....love

How did it come to this ?

Wish this was actually a love poem
But it is not, alas !

I don't know how to write love poems even
And this is a grievance letter, mind you
Though I'm not in grief, I'm cool
Cool as in dead inside
But there is a pool of darkness within me that needs to overflow
Come, I met you, you cruel, and you crowned my unconscious search with a meaning
You treated me like a princess, without having to bow
You flirted with my nerves when you blinked ,without realizing
You brightened my life when you smiled, innocently
You changed me
You made me blossom
You made me love myself before I fell for you
You calmed my intrinsic commotion
You made me believe I could love, and be loved
With an equal relish of passion
But classically,
Would like to say sadly, but i
Regress
Oh, it was bound to end like this
And I don't wish to reminisce, but it had to be lain out here
So, classically
You took my heart and left
Leaving me bereft, and in pieces
Because
You were like me, a incurious wanderer
Accused of hearts theft
When you don't even care for collections
And I don't even need my heart back
You can keep it
It stopped beating when your eyes told me you loved me
And it withered and crumbled like rotten petals when I saw your eyes courting hers
That was me there
Did I look this vulnerable up against your evil spell? how gross
I can tell you are planning to toy with her heart then stomp on it just the same
Apparently to you it's just a game
Perhaps you could give her my heart ,as a final display of courteousness
And she could use it as a spare
When hers doesn't work anymore
For ,we don't need another walking corpse now ,do we ?
But nevertheless, thank you for the experience, Kindred spirit
I'm not bitter at you
I don't loath you
In this hollow where my heart was
There is only tenderness

The last remnants of the short eternity of bliss
We had

Atlas Shrugged

Heaviness

Is a concept your hands won't entirely understand

Until the weights you are carrying slip from your grip

And fall to crush your feet

A weight you don't need to suffer
But you do, because you love them

So you load yourself with their secrets and sins ,reeking of pain

Told in whispers reflecting off the smudged panes

In a parked car, past midnight

And as they invade your heart and make it their home

Out of concern, you willingly flip through the pages of their unspoken tomes

And accidentally read the cryptic avowals

Scribbled on the quires of their eyes

Because you got just the right face that vibes of benevolence

And trust

It becomes a tiresome must

After years of working full time

Fussed, with no pay

Even though it's vexing , you nevertheless stay to plaster their wounds

Patch their cracked selves, and dote their feelings around

There is no emotional gain even

They slash you because you are the closest to them

When they can no longer bear with the shame

Of being vulnerable, and  the guilt of being a burden

Well, Atlas has an itch

Somewhere in his chest

One he can't relieve, because his hands are busy carrying your grief

And he believes you couldn't scratch it for him

Since you didn't even notice the twitch

You don't have the time to search, and you are not an expert

In guessing, nor a huge fan of caressing someone else's hurt

So Atlas has come to this conclusion;

He thinks it's time to dump your wreckage on your head

He thinks it's time to redd his own life

He's been held back by kindness for too long

And with every stop, passers-by added more to his junk

As if his tolerance was a bottomless trunk

He's so done collecting your tears in a jar

So tired and sick of the constant din in his ears

Of being consumed

Expired

Wrinkled, like tiny flumes carved on a shore repeatedly visited by the same waves

Leaving nothing behind but vain spumes

Listen to me

I need you

I'm sad

I'm crushed

Here is some pain, would you carry it for me?

You never thought that, perhaps he needs you

Perhaps he wants you to listen to him

Perhaps he 's more sad and broken than you will ever be

Perhaps your constant need for a wall to lean on

Is the reason

Atlas has mastered the art of supporting the world

While faking glee