I pine for who i was a
Year ago
Numb, in the wake of my new
Discovery of the non
Permanence of things.
Loss crept like a serpent in the
Grass, as I sat considering the
Lillies in the field, at peace
Post the turbulence of
Realization.
You say I'm your Muse, but I
Don't think you quite understand
That what I am is a cluster of
Denial and vanity.
If you could only walk a few steps
In my shoes, you would know that
All my great feats were distractions
Gone too far,
And my less articulate thoughts are
More disturbing than fascinating:
Do not ask me what I'm thinking.
Truly,
I
Don't know who i am
Anymore, I yell more than I
Weep, sometimes i can't stop.
And losing my rhythm, on top, is
More than i can bear to lose in
One sweep, but there is a slight
Sweetness in punching at a wall
That won't budge;
The sound of one's own knuckles cracking
Was the first poem.
Words out of Help books have
Kept this Jenga tower of epiphanies
Tall, but I've used them
All, trying to be a motherly figure to
You and a lover to myself.
And one of my ribs was
Stolen the last time i tried
To be brave and spoke what I
Truly wanted, now I hear the wind
Howling through my chest every
Time i take a deep breath before
Having to call you.
Hey,
On the nights we don't talk I
Spend my wakeful hours teaching
Myself how to get
Over you.
By now i could do it on command ;
Detachment is my sleeping pill.
I hold nothing dear and no one,
You are another distraction, one
That is bold and persistent and i
Can't wait to lose you already
Because I'm tired of dreading it.
And i realized in my daze that
Getting over loss never made
Me stronger it just made me
More numb and now
That I'm numb no longer,
I have clutched at
Emptiness by the throat
It does not resist, it does not
Scratch, it does not
Scream, it just stares
Me in the eyes and I, for
The first time, am
Afraid of loneliness.
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