Dépaysement

There was a moment of clarity
When I realized that I was not wanted
As much as I wanted
Indignant, I never got my notice
People don't fight with words anymore
They just pack in silence
No one recalls with awe
The wars that were killed off
Before they killed anyone
Ever wondered what happens to the balloon
When it lets go of the twig
And floats to the sky

BOOM,
What a shame; no one gets to hear it, that final cry

I recoil to my sweet stupor of carelessness
Assumed
Not so much dismay, as I'd have wished
A knot was undone, I was let go,
And so I've run
It is an obvious lie, I tell myself
That's still truer than truth
All these thespian lines that take on the face
Of supercilious mockery, a mask
Beneath a mask
Of changing landscapes

I never tell lies, even when I do

The heart feels lighter, indeed
And the sun, as you might expect, still shines, brighter
I have gotten through my day
Though sleepless, as I lay, at the darkest hours
I've made peace with the fact that I abscond
When push comes to shove, and
These bonds ,of friendship and love, that I made
Intricate, and frail, are akin to spiderwebs
They take a long time to be
And yet a few whiffs to flail apart

You know, sometimes I think I am healed
From being

And sometimes, a few days a year
When it's too quiet and the clouds are cross
I'm slapped into remembrance: a few maladies
Of the heart
Don't go away with old age

Time teaches you how to make homes
Instead of blanket tents and sand castles
Somewhere to hide, where no one could find you
When reality is not being so kind
And the child remains asleep, somewhere, tucked in the deep
They never wake up, until it's time to pack
Again
And mine seems to have a curious case
Of a Benjamin Button
Sometimes, when I get too cold
Having bared myself from truths that cower
Behind the broad backs of truthful lies
I yearn for a home that I wrecked with my own hands
He said, "He who must be born,
Must first destroy a world", and I did
My home was built inside the frame of a dusty painting
Hung on the pale wall of our living room
Considered the world, before I could remember much
Behind the blurry panes of that window
For days and nights, hid away from
A crowd of inquisitive gazes
Card board faces
Rogue shadows
Broken voices
A cold cup of tea to my side, and my palms never got numb
Carrying the weight of my resting wonders

And I wondered a lot
Why I never get disappointed
Though I try
These poems scream in high pitches of scorn
Laughing from the shadows, even I get torn
Between the submission to a trance
And the dread of it all
How comfortable in their bareness these words are
Mocking their creator
And you, you little green horn
You think you understand
You think there is a case in here
Stuck in the moving sand to my chin
Got your piercing nosiness under my skin
You think I'm broken
You think my unfaltering love is a token
You earn by nodding at the right pace
I could suck your soul dry
Kiss your lips in all the ardor I could summon
Then leave you to die
And I still wouldn't love you
At your deathbed
Because my bits are too precious
And I love them all
Too much to love another
And perhaps I buried them under the porch
In that house, my innocent
My blight
My willingness to fight
Someone pulled my hands and I lept into the world
People weren't made of cardboard
Anymore
Their sneers synced with their lips, at last
Their shadows didn't fight for space
And I have always tried to remember
How that house
Looked from the inside.

Mikan

Once, she was putting away the left overs from lunch

A tear trickled down her eye, and she turned to the other side 

So I wouldn't see

Said, "No one eats anymore

I used to cook every day..."

And I, hugging her sideways

Printed a kiss on her cheek

Somehow, of late, I've put on a lot of weight

But there were no more left overs
And my mother ceased to cry

She asks mechanically as I pack

If I'll be coming on the weekend
"Yes, momma", my equally mechanical response
"Got nothing better to do anyway"

Once, she said, as I strapped my seat belt, that I should commute 

"it will work out", she explained 

"I will wake you up for Fajr and you shall leave after breakfast

All rejuvenated and peppy

"You

Seem like you don't have breakfast. Often."

I used to run away from home
Of late I seem to never want to leave
Three hours, 250 kms

Momma talks a lot on the phone

When she calls in the mornings

I tug my cell into the crevice of my shoulder
As I struggle to type

Bruised and tense from the last session

"You have a class again today?", she stands at the door

I print another kiss and walk away
When did I start saying goodbye like I'm bidding farewell?

Wish I could recall what she says last

When her silence suddenly interrupts my thoughts

By habit; it's my time to dwell on things uncalled for

While I'm driving her around

She never waits 

"How does he look like? Add Milk to the list.

There is a Henna tomorrow, can you stay?"

Racing along the seconds

So she could say it all, and I would wait until she runs out

Of things to say

To tell her that I loved her

"Is that so?"

"Yes, Momma, I love you so."

"Add Ulker to the list."

Hey, Momma,
My friends say I never talk much, did you know ?

All these hours I was trapped in my car with someone

On the passenger seat spilling their spleens out

And I ,looking ahead into the gloom

It's the mind that spoke to fill in the quietness between their breaths 

Not for a moment did I let my heart stray

Save for this space that I hid away, from you

I learnt to never talk much that words sound meek

And fragmented when they have to scratch up my vocal cords

For a change

That I stutter 

And I find it hard to utter the passages I have practiced all night

While sleep has run off to play a game of hide and seek

Along with the things I was supposed to remember 

And the trifling visions that I wished were real 

Momma, it's because you never listened

And Momma, sometimes I feel like I was robbed of 

Being a daughter 

So I could be a mother
To you, and I had to skip my fresher years

When I didn't know how to woman ,that I got trapped
Behind the face of a child with a chest too ample for my days
And the spirits of a broken boy
And limbs too awkward and small for my whims
A heart too shy and paranoid
Quiet as a grave, some days
Melts in Bohemian Rhapsodies ,some moments
And I never disliked holding your hands while

Walking around the market at 26 years old so you wouldn't get lost

Because it was I, that wanted to hold on to what's left of what I have missed

It is I that wants to cling to earth

So I wouldn't float

And disappear

Momma,

We grew up so fast ,didn't we ?

Scattered around like frightened beads 

Driven by hunger for life and things unseen

A yearning

To get away

Still standing in motion, by the pulls

Of duty

Our umbilical cords dangling from our bellies yet.

Martele

If only it was possible to smother all the voices around you
The gushing wind through the cracks in the pane
The humming of the neon lights
The distant wheezes of the fridge in the kitchen
The friction of your breaths through your nostrils
Your faint heartbeats
The shifts of your palm as you shield your temples
From acoustic usurpers
But alas,
It's in vain, isn't it ?

When all dies out, you could still hear the brute voice
Of silence

In a while, it gets louder
Rings timbers at the back of your head
Bounces off walls you could swear were dead
In a while longer it learns to alter the habit of your lungs
So it could wheeze along at night
Takes abode in the cracks of your joints
Looking for a loophole
To steal way deep into your soul
A whole kingdom to conquer, plenty of room to resonate and
Palpitate, grow limbs, and make a home out of your cranium
Perilous 


Stay away from high rooftops and forgotten  benches
People that sit at length conversing with the quiet blue
Plug your ears as if there is poison in the ripples of sound
Dig your nails into your scalp, as you walk by
Close your eyes, and chant all the words you know out loud
Seek out strangers with restless eyes
They chatter the most, and tell no lies
Talk to yourself during long drives
There are clots of silence traveling around
A single shudder begets a hurricane
Could your rib cage hold its grounds ?
Being so grandiosely defenseless
You livid bard with pointed ears and permanent goosebumps
Looking for trouble where you shouldn't lurk

Silence

Is coming for you.

The Blast

Goodness of soul is so rare to find
In this age of ours
That's what I always thought, when she spoke of love
Have always wondered how she does it grandiosely,
Being so kind
In a world so vulgar
She said on one dark hour that she knew
He had a life of his own, apart from his beau
A happy nest he made with another
Having succumbed to the pleas of his mother
Mere months after he uttered the words 
You see, when the chest is glutted, one has to make a few
Confessions
And she, basked in the moonlight
Turned her head and asked in all candidness,
If it was okay to wait
On him
Wait ,despite the shackles of guilt
And the chains of desire
For years and years for their fate to change
While she never faltered
Wait, for to love, she said, without a gleam of deliverance

Is the highest of callings





Hey, kindred spirit

Could it be a bless that we don't get to see
The greater picture that is splattered amiss ?
Is knowing too terrible to bear with
That we deign to pick the awkward lies
And guile lullabies
Over a truth too bare and loud to miss?
Perhaps it's drenched in rue, ever so bleak
Yet we choose to call it a beautiful mess
This higher calling; a sorry excuse
For a piece of art

Why are humans so weak, though
Before the maladies of the heart ?

Tears of wrath are quite the scare
When they gush so rapid, as you flare
With unwarranted emotions
Sometimes you don't understand
Why your tepid strands of expression

Would crumble beneath your chin

Turning the knobs of your poise so craftily
Weighing your bow of concern so furtively
I raged, my self beside, with utter disdain
Such a fall from grace, I'm aware
How I wept for a notion profound, that I grasped afresh
Yet couldn't quite explain
To my woe and bewilderment
In that moment of bareness, I didn't dare expose my face

Breath, it's not about you
But she is miserable
She is not you
It isn't fair
It's not happening
To you
What does it matter to you ? Your heart is sound
Your soul is free
Your cup of tea, it never gets cold
You never found the will to destroy a world
For the one you adored
Harbor the beauty of it all, and baseness, in your bones
Reduce your pride into droplets of resignation
Trap yourself in a car with smudgy panes asking all the right questions
Of the wrong person

You wouldn't understand

Was it for a sore on my flesh, that I bitterly wept ?
I wonder
Or for a lump in my throat that I couldn't relieve
Was it really for her ?
Or for love, getting defiled, heinously
For the broken trust of a child
For the blight of man

For the world, being black and white, only either

The incertitude of one with a soft nature
Having to tread over patches of shadow and light
For the fact that I cared 
To the point of having to choose
Between a breath and a sigh
For a hurt that wasn't mine to take home

Was it for myself, after all,
That I shed all these tears ?

And I, with all my pretentious airs
Wanted to puke all the words bulging in my throat
The acrid, the sorry
The callous, the mean
The irretrievable
The tired

The pointless
The pointless

The pointless

I said nothing

What could words fix when it was the words the broke everything ?

What is it that you seek
Still lurking around in these parts ?

This is my private kingdom

In here I rule

I'm the loudest
And the most honest
When hailed
Behind these mute walls
By the echoes of silence
These terse outbursts of loneliness
None else would understand
And you
Would you like me to surrender to you
My remaining verses of land
My rightful property where I roll bare
And no fingers are pointed and
No one would stare
Surrender my only louver
For a bit of fresh air
To you
And your lecherous pokes
Of idle curiosity ?

Umbra

It's been a while
Since we've had a conversation, dear Heart
"Mitescere", I used to whisper ,gently
When you got too loud, didn't I?
You've been quiet of late
And I know better not to shoot the arrows of blame
You should take your time snapping out of that one
Though it's a shame that a fine fellow such as you
Was reduced to mere flesh and blood, and a few bits of reason
There's been this heaviness, lo, at the back of my skull
Makes it laborious to rise in damp mornings
Air weighs heavy on one's chest ,even

I've been meaning to confess, been keeping this scrape in my purse

And I wrote when I got tired of carrying thoughts too hefty

For my head

No one quite understands, when I speak of these things
Flustered, their eyes would implore and beseech
For a window of humor
To break the silence
A guest so brusque, uninvited, he marches in
Unannounced
Entitled to all the space in between
And I've gotten tired, of this state of drowsiness
You taught me to align my words for the day,
On the ceiling, while I rested and my lax muscles gathered the grit
To live
Scatter them flat like newborn constellations
Lest I forget, of the rites of healing
How to lull myself into numbness, again
When night has fallen
But did you notice that faint shudder
In my ring finger ? My right eyelid jerks frenziedly
At random times of the day
Makes it hard to presto
Indeed, people have no manners these days
Opening doors sealed shut and slamming them loud
On their way out
Of my heart
And my heed
Clenching their fists on my anemic soul
Till it bleeds some mellowness
Then some more
Till it dries
And when they find nothing left to take
They take off
Kinda feels like I've been watching my shadow
Pale, bashful to wrinkling
While I stood in motion, it took off in hesitation
Possibly, it finds no appeal in lingering
I'm not a hero one would care to follow, you understand
And ,did you know ? Get this
Remember how I took pride and joy
In my vehement candidness, of sorts
Out of all my sorts I took pleasure in rinsing my tongue
Fresh, of all that reeked with the odor of qualm
Begotten by the waist, this sole child of my conscience
Whipped into shape by much tribulations,
Compelled to flatness many a tantrum of rage
Hindered motives for revelation, and defeated means of articulation
And here I am, surrounded in a dark corner
By my own
Twenty five years of age
And I wouldn't have known
That I told the truth, bare and wholly
Spared no chance to empty clean
What rested moldering in my spleen, solely
Because it drove what's left of my kindred
Out of my heart
Out of my heed.

Halcyon

Could one perish and be blown away
Specs of ash and petals of withered roses
While still brimming with the swell of life?
On Friday afternoons, when it takes longer
For the sun to exhaust her glitter
I toy with the last morsel on my plate
A little thought dipped in vinegar
And for many a sleepless hour I tried to nudge this affair
Towards the darker corners of my pate
What has changed ? 
Since the time I wanted to drive away
Into the void, and never make it back 
Echoes off washed walls and smudged mirrors
Rests on the floor when it tires, this question
It dins in my left ear
Scratches when I turn to the colder side
Of my pillow
Lingers in my dry mouth
Like the first suckling of an infant

What has changed
Me ?

I remember my ribs being closer than this
My heart didn't shiver as much
When carressed by a cold breeze
It used to have a fine overcoat
Of fur and credence
I considered faces more carefully
Words wriggled more
When I rested my tongue for too long
Between my thoughts
When I scribbled on a dry scrape, they scattered
A formation without a commander
And I never shed tears when I trembled with rage
Before, strange things are going on
Silence used to assuage my restlessness
It digs trenches inside my joints
Now
Peeps out when I lay at night
Creeps away the sultan of slumber
For sport
Silence nowadays terrifies me into a frenzy 

Forgetting to remember
What beast that locks itself afraid in a closet
When I flood the lantern of suspicion
Upon the attic of my brain

What renders a human softer than a flake ?
Lighter than a shadow
I wonder at length; as I open it
Is it the weight of living
Or the weight of the hand of doom on one's shoulder
Cold, as it slides to trace the spine of their back
Whatever changes a person in ways they
Lost the means to track, or sedated their motif to ?
An old hound, laying to die by their side on the sofa
You touch your face as you brush thy teeth
A regular mope of a stranger unfolds from the mist
Your human condition pinched a trench
Between your brows, and a regrettable hysteresis
Of irony, on your jowls
The birth of a day drags its forgotten younger twin behind:
Hope of an early sunset
And lo, twenty years pass by, while you gargle
The stranger grimaces, meaningfully

Was I this numb before I woke up ?
You ask

Was I numb in my mother's womb ?

Would I feel the same as I lay quiet in my tomb ?

Does it prick my heart that I could never remember
Beyond the crash as I stood on the tracks of a train
Marching with the will of a dying man who got nothing to lose
Or does it twist my arm of resolve that I never thought of budging ?
For my life,
For a life
Elsewhere
Somewhere


Early mornings used to taste Yellower than this
And long nights smelt of philistine immortality
Used to dance in the rain as a child

When did I stop being one ?

If I chopped down my arm, how many circles would I count
Till I reach the marrows ?

I used to feel things louder than this

Was I alive, back then ? or was I reborn as I rose from the slime of
Injured expectations
Would I remember how I lived
When I pass on beyond the borders of trepidation
Would these limbs be washed clean
Of rue
Would a stranger hands drain my spleens
Of this chronic bitterness
Would all these broken oaths I carved onto my skin
Seep through the dried pits of good earth
Towards the core of everything dark
Everything admissible
Would the reek of my deeds rise
Would my lot of reminiscence fall
Would I ever recall
When is it that I have died while alive
And what has resurrected me thus
An incurious puppet among woke souls ?