I've been asked how it feels to *finally* be 23.
Well, I would like to say that it feels fabulous, but i'm afraid i'd be lying to you.
What it actually feels like is being kicked by the butt out of my comfort-zone and right into the turbulent universe of adulthood.
I feel exhausted ,overwhelmed, and consumed all the time, and I get irritated by the smallest things such as the fact that it hasn't rained yet this year.
My first reaction when my phone rings is WHAT NOW?, and I deal with strangers more than i interact with intimates.
I'm always thinking of hell lotsa things when i'm supposed to focus on one, and end up not doing anything right because i can't give my all to one task.
I feel like i'm running out of time and that I still achieved nothing of the goals i sat when I was younger, and that i've done nothing remarkable in my life that I could tell my children about ,although ,arguably, i still have plenty of time to achieve before i'm forced by social norms to settle down and form my own family. This is the time of achievements, yet i'm doing nothing but study and work, study and work, study and work ,while missing all the joys and comforts of life that my peers are indulging . I'm stuck in my tracks basically doing nothing of significance. That is, in the long timeline of my life.
And I feel that i'm not ready to be an adult yet, I was caught off guard, and suddenly fast-forwarded to this point while I was spacing out. i'm at that age where I don't know if I should be adventurous, wild and free, or I should worry about things such as social standing and financial security.
Don't listen to them when they say that the legal age is 21 because *youth become mildly mature and responsible* by the time they graduate from higher education. That's bullshit, 21 y/os are college juniors/seniors, they are still kids that think their biggest problems is a strict professor or a C in a major course. You become a full-fledged adult not even when you graduate, but when you join the working force and start paying your own bills.
This isn't how i imagined myself at 23, I'm an irritable person now. Often moody, bitter, and outwardly repulsive. I sort of became aware of this notion -privilege, if you might; that it is fine to extract my revenge against bigger things than individuals; I can break the small rules, i can be a disruptive civilian, a rude driver, a nagging customer, a noisy neighbor, a manipulative lover. I don't have to filter what I say. I can ignore a question I don't want to answer and I can say No to a troublesome favor asked of me and I can also choose not to look cheerful and happy so as not to be a buzz-kill. Let the frigging buzz die.
I can be angry.
And I feel angry, in fact, at something- I don't know what is, everything, everyone, this city, life, myself, but it is okay to vent my anger now that i joined the rest of the productive members of society .I can be the abusive, instead of the abused, without having to feel so guilty about it, since everyone does the same.
It makes much sense now why older people looked so tense and upset all the time they wouldn't even look at the beautiful sky nor spend time to make each other feel good by exchanging greetings and compliments. Ain't nobody got time for that. Being troubled became the usual thing, distrusting a stranger became my first reaction, expecting the worst became what I base my plans on. It is so sad it makes me want to destroy something.
What's worse is that you can't blame this angry disposition on age as is the case with teenage crises. For I (also arguably) don't lack wisdom and am no longer young and blameless. But it is the same thing, a confusing stage of transition where you don't know on which side you belong.
Maybe i'm just angry because it recently hit me that I'm actually growing old, that i can't stop the wheels of time, that ,soon enough, i'll start to worry about things such as wrinkles and white hair and poor sight- leave alone all the life decisions that i'll have to make, and soon enough i'll have to get married, because "I'm too young" isn't gonna delay that fate.
I'm becoming one of *them* now, and i can't refer to adults as an alien, strict, authoritarian, uncool, boring group anymore because that would include myself as well.
And the fact that i'm surrounded either by people with much experience and far more complicated problems than i have, and more serious inclinations and interests by which they occupy their time and discuss in their circles, which makes them too depressing to hang out with. Or by clueless kids that seem to know nothing about life but turning up and having fun while leaving their mess for someone else to clean up, not knowing how to take responsibility for their actions nor making actual life decisions, which makes me feel too old and mature for my age group....and depressed even more.
I'm stuck in between.This is my labyrinth. I hate odd numbers. 2 is light brown. 3 is orange. Not a nice combination.
That's how i feel, Thanks for asking.
Well, I would like to say that it feels fabulous, but i'm afraid i'd be lying to you.
What it actually feels like is being kicked by the butt out of my comfort-zone and right into the turbulent universe of adulthood.
I feel exhausted ,overwhelmed, and consumed all the time, and I get irritated by the smallest things such as the fact that it hasn't rained yet this year.
My first reaction when my phone rings is WHAT NOW?, and I deal with strangers more than i interact with intimates.
I'm always thinking of hell lotsa things when i'm supposed to focus on one, and end up not doing anything right because i can't give my all to one task.
I feel like i'm running out of time and that I still achieved nothing of the goals i sat when I was younger, and that i've done nothing remarkable in my life that I could tell my children about ,although ,arguably, i still have plenty of time to achieve before i'm forced by social norms to settle down and form my own family. This is the time of achievements, yet i'm doing nothing but study and work, study and work, study and work ,while missing all the joys and comforts of life that my peers are indulging . I'm stuck in my tracks basically doing nothing of significance. That is, in the long timeline of my life.
And I feel that i'm not ready to be an adult yet, I was caught off guard, and suddenly fast-forwarded to this point while I was spacing out. i'm at that age where I don't know if I should be adventurous, wild and free, or I should worry about things such as social standing and financial security.
Don't listen to them when they say that the legal age is 21 because *youth become mildly mature and responsible* by the time they graduate from higher education. That's bullshit, 21 y/os are college juniors/seniors, they are still kids that think their biggest problems is a strict professor or a C in a major course. You become a full-fledged adult not even when you graduate, but when you join the working force and start paying your own bills.
This isn't how i imagined myself at 23, I'm an irritable person now. Often moody, bitter, and outwardly repulsive. I sort of became aware of this notion -privilege, if you might; that it is fine to extract my revenge against bigger things than individuals; I can break the small rules, i can be a disruptive civilian, a rude driver, a nagging customer, a noisy neighbor, a manipulative lover. I don't have to filter what I say. I can ignore a question I don't want to answer and I can say No to a troublesome favor asked of me and I can also choose not to look cheerful and happy so as not to be a buzz-kill. Let the frigging buzz die.
I can be angry.
And I feel angry, in fact, at something- I don't know what is, everything, everyone, this city, life, myself, but it is okay to vent my anger now that i joined the rest of the productive members of society .I can be the abusive, instead of the abused, without having to feel so guilty about it, since everyone does the same.
It makes much sense now why older people looked so tense and upset all the time they wouldn't even look at the beautiful sky nor spend time to make each other feel good by exchanging greetings and compliments. Ain't nobody got time for that. Being troubled became the usual thing, distrusting a stranger became my first reaction, expecting the worst became what I base my plans on. It is so sad it makes me want to destroy something.
What's worse is that you can't blame this angry disposition on age as is the case with teenage crises. For I (also arguably) don't lack wisdom and am no longer young and blameless. But it is the same thing, a confusing stage of transition where you don't know on which side you belong.
Maybe i'm just angry because it recently hit me that I'm actually growing old, that i can't stop the wheels of time, that ,soon enough, i'll start to worry about things such as wrinkles and white hair and poor sight- leave alone all the life decisions that i'll have to make, and soon enough i'll have to get married, because "I'm too young" isn't gonna delay that fate.
I'm becoming one of *them* now, and i can't refer to adults as an alien, strict, authoritarian, uncool, boring group anymore because that would include myself as well.
And the fact that i'm surrounded either by people with much experience and far more complicated problems than i have, and more serious inclinations and interests by which they occupy their time and discuss in their circles, which makes them too depressing to hang out with. Or by clueless kids that seem to know nothing about life but turning up and having fun while leaving their mess for someone else to clean up, not knowing how to take responsibility for their actions nor making actual life decisions, which makes me feel too old and mature for my age group....and depressed even more.
I'm stuck in between.This is my labyrinth. I hate odd numbers. 2 is light brown. 3 is orange. Not a nice combination.
That's how i feel, Thanks for asking.
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