Kaskazi

I walked towards my car
It was a long day
Fuming with disappointments
And stolen wishes
My patched arm was aching
And the drum in my chest sounded too loud
It's a common side effect, I was told
I reached for the handle
Someone called out my name from afar

"RAWAN!"

I turned, scared to my bones
It's never a good thing to be called out to
On a Thursday night
By a panting creature
With murky features
"Finally !", they steamed
The face manifested from the darkness, familiar
To my disappointment
"I saw your car around,
And waited for you to come down
Your habits never change, I see
Been following you around
You always managed to evade me
I needed to ask you

What's going on ?



You wouldn't talk to me."



What's going on, you say



I was all the while petrified
Trying to count how many days it's been
Since we last talked
What's going on ,indeed ?

I said I was sorry, for the trouble
That I was in a hurry and this could be put on hold

Another habit that never changed
I apologize, before I bolt
Ours is a peculiar breed, see
I don't remember the reason for my aversion
Only a faint taste of bitterness on my slacking tongue
Bits of dissolved pride
You are out of breath, like always
And too blunt and impatient when it comes to your ends
That's what I liked about you
And that's what I loath about you

What's going on is that i realized during a meal
That I try just too hard
To revive my wriggling bonds
That I think I'm justified to abscond
When all is said and done
Extracted from one's side
My existence, a benevolent tumor
When I decide to leave
Pack my suits of care and good humor
And turn my back to you
I pace calmly, and I carry no rags of guilt
You find it strange because you don't know
How easy it is to let go
When you've always been this light
What's going on is that
All my life, I never tied a string
Only got entangled to the crowns of trees
While I floated
Got my heart bloated by air
Trying to get heavier
They only kept me down for the length
Of a spring, these extended twigs
And all my life, I found it much easier

To run away from the wave
As it came

Have it break my spine 
Than burn my lungs
Being a martyr was never my kink
What's going on is that not for once have I been chased after 
When I ran away
And this is a dire strait
Blood seemed to burst in opposite directions through my veins
And the neurons in my brain were stopped frozen
Too occupied to craft an excuse
Waiting for me to speak, your lips pursed

I thought you didn't care

You could've called
You are making a scene
I was just tired of you
This is what I do
You didn't read the small print
It's not me, it's all you
It's all you
This experiment was too long
I'm too busy fighting this chaos of feels
Inside of me

To be fighting for someone else

And would you understand?

That it's never a single crack in a keel
What sinks the ship
That I never asked you to change
Because I wouldn't change for you
And you would've loathed me because I
Tried to force you into a mold
A fancy block print on my portfolio
Your countenance darkened like a burnt bulb
When I turned to leave
"There she goes again."
I bid you goodbyes with promises to explain
And rushed back home
To pack my case
At daybreak, like I always do
I ran away
This time to a place where you can't find me.

Cereals at 1:36 am

Cluttered is the mind
A deserted shed at the edge of nowhere
Marauded by a rover, driven to a frenzy
By the claws of hunger
Of late I ponder for long
On how much I have changed
On how much you have changed me
In my restlessness it seems that I
Lost the grip on definitions
Couldn't put a name on this vehemence of sorts
And my sorts are countless, I'm never out
This passion for living, the will to proceed
Or the yearning to die while trying to live
This wild affection for the ones I could touch
And the ones whose faces separation has mushed
This disavowal of possessions and
The hastiness to cede
I feel like smoke
A cloud of smoke with a thick shadow
What I darted away from
Is a twilight
What chases after me
Is the echo of my steps
What I walk towards
Is your back, swallowed
By the darkness

Yet calm, calm is the heart

An astral graveyard of stillness
My night dome pales a bit
As the moon pays his respects
To the stars that has fallen
By my feet
I was four when I clasped the first one
In my small hands, was told that I could keep it
If I wanted
I did not understand then
I was twenty four when I found it again
Tucked between the pages of an old notebook
With faded lines
Buddy Guy said that love comes like a hurricane
You see
But I was born at the heart of one
Unending
He says that despite the uproar it still feels like rain
But I breathed in the smell of Petrichor when air
First pierced into my lungs, and I uttered
The cry of my first battle
Still pending
Perhaps it is why I wake in November
Presently prone to laughter at times of plight
Audacious scowls at the passing whiffs
 Of lies ,now that I've grown
And of late I wonder
Why I called him my moon and wrote him all these lines
When he was my total eclipse 

When he wouldn't have possible known how cold this grass feels
Beneath one's bare feet
Between one's toes as the verses flow into their veins
Does he frequent the few shores left on this earth
That no dishonest man has defiled yet
Just to let the virgin grains slide between his fingers
"What passes through is the brevity of your love"
"What clings unto my palm is my undying devotion"
Does he ever wander into Molloy's forest
And forgets to remember that he ought to leave
Think to himself while resting at night,when the city falls asleep
Quietness reigns ,and the ravens left behind

Start to weep near the break of dawn

How his mind beats like a drum, and his chest whispers
Verses and dirges, when it snaps out of stupor
Did he ever decide to walk further than the rest of the grubs
Just to reach the end of the leaf
Stop at the precipice of existence and stare into chaos
Where poetry is woven
Did he figure by now
More than the answers, the few immortal questions to adorn his grave stone
Does he think, when the hour strikes twelve at noon
Whether it is truly an affliction
That needs to be cured
This absence in presence
Detachment in connection
Belonging in seclusion
Chaos in naught
Tenderness in indifference
Walking along the border
Forever swinging in between
Oh, the horror
If his heart isn't as bold
No, my love,
He wasn't the one to keep
And this bowl
Is getting cold.

None Shall Sleep

He loaded his words into his tongue, and shot his bullets

I took them standing, more from shock than from bravery

Imagined that only happened to Niqabis at public beaches, you see

I think of making a scene, orating my right to board a train and walk around in a foreign land 

But I abstain, for I know what happens when you pour gas on fire while standing close

I could read it in his twitching lips

My Ochre skin seems to him like a dumpster of filth, an urban ogre, dressed in a cape

Would've stripped to a thread to let them see that I carried no belts

But what's the catch ? I am still a walking vice, in my nakedness

I look at him in admiration: the privileged do have the strongest pride in their nation

His flames burning so vehemently, when mine, for all my youth, never lasted a state of mind

It's the same everywhere, isn't it ?

We have been marching on, stamping stereotypes on each other's foreheads ,defining turfs

Good, evil, brown, pale, pious, libertine, straight, gay, man, woman, rich, poor, free, serf,

Somebody that mattered on this earth, nobody

You speak so profoundly of freedom and tolerance of diversity

When a human, that happens to be a black woman with a scarf on her head can't wander in a city

Without feeling the urge to justify herself

Without feeling the need to purge her visible stigma of an existence

Your rage, blooming like a wild chrysanthemum

I can't tell if it grew from the seed of emptiness, or the pain of loss

But you still have a place to call home, when I spent my life running away from one

And I am tired, my good sir

One changes scenes, and one changes faces but it's still the same , and I am tired

Of constantly having to alter my roots so I could bloom in stranger lands

Of having to morph my folds into shapes that no longer resemble me so I could receive a few drops of rain

I wasn't hurt because I'm not a miserable wreck with a gun and never been to a club

Not even because I think the essence of a woman's freedom is choosing to cover her navel and cleavage without offending a stranger

Not because you make it sound like I never scrub

You didn't care to ask for my name; didn't even dare sit next to me, so I could tell you why I mounted trains

Tell you all about what emptiness I fled, this chaos in a shell

My baggage of struggles that you threw out the window along with my ticket to exist

When you glanced at a piece of fabric I threw on my head

But old man, with more white on his brows than light in his eyes

I got one question for you : Which train do people take to reach at oblivion ?

Muscle Museum

I finally met him, yesternight
He came late, I waited for an hour
But he doesn't know that
Dressed in a white shirt, he seemed to glow
In this dim floodlight
He came late and out of breath
Made jokes about the heat
And the busy airport nearby interrupting his thoughts
"It's hot because of you, really."
My head fell backwards for a instant
Collecting my wit
Suave
I scooped to the edge of my seat
Occasionally clasping my hands
Not knowing what to do with them
When I'm not fumbling with my ring
I scooped to the edge of my seat, almost falling
Held my tongue and forgot where my phone was
Someone was calling
But I wouldn't miss a word
A blink
A gesture
A joke
A smile
His lines I took in along with my breath
His laughter
Exploded like a fountain, contagious
And I, self conscious of being in public
I kept soft and graceful to my best
The longer I watched his face while he went about
A magician in his natural place
The wilder them butterflies fluttered in my guts
ِAnd the drum in my chest, slowed its pace
Seemed to take longer
As it filled its ventricles

And I realized in that moment :

You could be infinite without expanding

You could soar in the air, while
Still on your chair
Time could stop, and you could be an immortal
For only two hours or so
And this isn't fair
I whispered to myself
"I love you this much.

And you don't know."


He went on
His eyes half closed
Making gestures with his hands
One of these people that you love watching
They sound like they own the world just by being alive
I said it a bit louder, though fast
When a plane went by
"I Love you."
He would interrupt his story to count
And we would laugh, I ,tearing a bit
Wishing more people flew away that night
When another one passed
He stopped short and sighed,
I strained my cords harder
So I'd let it all out
In that narrow window of chance
Took a deep breath, counted three pulses
Before I summoned my guts

"------OVE YOU."

But the last syllables hit his face
In the sudden quietness, stealthily ambushing
Like broken glass hits the ground

Silence turned to smoke
And lingered around

Seemed like my voice was for a moment
The only pulsing entity
In a quiet universe
Enchanting
He looked into the void, searching
For his words
His face flushed, strands glued to his brow
Chuckled gently
Then looked my way

"I love you too."
"Someone seriously needs to call the ATC here."



Dedicated to Y. Chrismallis

My muse, forever and always.