Letter to Solanine 0

"What a coward", I said
"You drew a circle
Around yourself in the sand and
Swore a solemn oath to never
Transgress :
This is where I'll keep
My sorrows.

You said you'd gladly be the
Coward at the shore than the bald
Sailor that jumps into the storm
"One lives but once", you said, "and
I can spend that life in the warmth
Of my home."
"One lives forever, if he pleases", I replied
"Or one could be dead already,

So what of it ?"

So what if I'm dead?


I stopped painting the sea and now
I pour rainbows and my world has gone
Mad, in a quiet way, it's been
A while since I've felt too much of
Anything.
I've shown you my darkest corners
And you never flinched, I
Did not plan this far, stranger, and
Now I stand bare on your
Pedestal, how did we end up here?

My little deer, you don't understand
The danger you've just invited to sit on
Your lap, this right here is not
Boldness, it is not a love for life
It is not a brighter outlook from the
Balcony of a sublime thinking, I
Jump head first because i want
To go young.
I'm a Coward numbed by the
Human condition and adrenaline.
I'm Penelope's shroud, my love,
I come undone when
No one is looking.
I wake up with tears that i
Don't remember being shed.
I pine for a man that pretends
To be dead, and
I don't want to settle for the role of
His coffin.

De Profundis ii

He asked me
If I've ever been in a dark place, the lantern
On our table flickered, aghast at the disturbance
In the rhythm of my thoughts
A Jazz band was playing in the lobby
"How did you find your
Way back?", he asked in his casual manner
As if he was asking about my day at work or
What I had for lunch
Took me a long time trying to decide if
I should suppress my deflective retort
Molded from cynical humor and poetic sarcasm
But the night was young and
His eyes weren't grinning
So I blew off the dying candle and let my
Guard mix with the soaring smoke
Into the cold air of November
It's like learning how to float, you see
The more you think about drowning
The lower you sink
The more you try to protect the loopholes into your
Inner self, the more it burns
Everywhere
The more you yearn for a stable footing,
The weaker your legs would feel
But keep kicking
Keep moving, someone yells in the background as if
There is some higher purpose for this trial
One they slight, because they don't
Remember its throes anymore
Everything is bathed in a light of wisdom when
Enough years have passed
Stop gazing at heavens all the time
Looking for signs, you will drain all your hopes
Puff your chest with the little faith you can muster and
Let go when
You can't keep it anymore

It's okay,

You can
Take a dip into the dark, for a little bit when your spirits fail
Sink into the bottom where quietness reigns
Sounds are disfigured and fate weighs
Heavy on one's head


Survival is a never ending battle

But nobody tells you that
It makes us look weaker

Perhaps I never did, then, get out
Indeed, I
Only grew used to the dark


I am in the dark place, still

Made it my home, throw cushions and
Crumbled papers

Is it written so clearly on my mien, though

That all it takes is a break to catch my breath
For me to drown beyond reach ?

Letter To The Crab iii

You can't put a finger on your broken, can you ?
You were only taught
That men never cry when it hurts
And all they made was a handful of invalids
Looking for pain killers when they are still bleeding
There is a hole in your chest that you can't fill with
The roars of laughter , and
You seek strangers until you learn their names
Fall in love at first sight
Until you blink
I know, because we are one and the same,
Bearing the burdens of the world, like they
Are solace to our souls, we carry
Tragedy in our soles, with such style
We hug like we can glue a shattered person,
Whole
And yet somehow, we end up sobbing alone against a wall
No wails
Not even echos pat on our shoulders
We
Are the ones that love with a terrifying readiness for martyrdom
That we forget to keep some for our dark parts

We are the ones that swallowed the iceberg
Broke the tips they deigned to notice and yielded them weapons for
Survival,
We are immaculate in our sadness
We are
Humans,
All too human and sad
And I love you for laughing so loud when
Your eyes look so lonely.

想念

I look at you and all I see is a life, properly wasted
Filling the slots of your idleness by things that cannot fill
Your heart
In many ways we are the same
Trying to postpone my nightly appointment
With cynical thoughts
By trivial endeavors
Muffle the voices in my head with
Loud music and broken chatter

You,

What are you running away from ?

You make it sound like my
Absence was my last gesture of spite as
If it was meant to hurt you, beloved
If I relied on some sentiments of yours to
Be still dwelling like a wild Orchid, in the cold I
Would've
Fought
For you
This right here
Is not a punishment,
This is self-indulgence.

Pine in The Flower Garden

I wonder why we never take the hints carefully
Hidden beneath the wings of sad jokes and
Within dry laughter lines
We are quick to brush the little crumbs of revelation under
The rug of negligence
It's easier that way, isn't it
Denial costs none
I face a hard time myself trying to define the blurry line between
Jest and innuendo 

I wonder if I've been crying for help just to amuse myself when I 

Was the one that jumped into the rabbit hole 

Perhaps I'm still falling.
Perhaps I hit the bottom and am

Already dead, been seeking in

Strangers and dire straits, what makes my

Heart beat once again, for a little bit

Longer

Oblivion tastes so sweet, I wonder 

Who would ever want to wake up willingly 

Madness prevails in a world where 

Everyone feels everything 

Isn't consciousness the heaviest

Burden of all?

What a strange concept, intimacy
So irrelevant of time
You may have just met but
Could still chat while sipping on hot chocolate like
You've been married for 30 years and all your
Kids were shipped away into the open sea of life
Musing on so many memories that you
Didn't create yet
You may not meet often but you

Could still pick up the thread where it fell off
Waste little time on regrets and blames
You may have known each other for years yet

Still feel so lonely
Together.