00100000

I pine for who i was a
Year ago
Numb, in the wake of my new
Discovery of the non
Permanence of things.
Loss crept like a serpent in the
Grass, as I sat considering the
Lillies in the field, at peace
Post the turbulence of
Realization.
You say I'm your Muse, but I
Don't think you quite understand
That what I am is a cluster of
Denial and vanity.
If you could only walk a few steps
In my shoes, you would know that
All my great feats were distractions
Gone too far,
And my less articulate thoughts are
More disturbing than fascinating:
Do not ask me what I'm thinking.
Truly,
I
Don't know who i am
Anymore, I yell more than I
Weep, sometimes i can't stop.
And losing my rhythm, on top, is
More than i can bear to lose in
One sweep, but there is a slight
Sweetness in punching at a wall
That won't budge;
The sound of one's own knuckles cracking
Was the first poem.
Words out of Help books have
Kept this Jenga tower of epiphanies
Tall, but I've used them
All, trying to be a motherly figure to
You and a lover to myself.
And one of my ribs was
Stolen the last time i tried
To be brave and spoke what I
Truly wanted, now I hear the wind
Howling through my chest every
Time i take a deep breath before
Having to call you.
Hey,
On the nights we don't talk I
Spend my wakeful hours teaching
Myself how to get
Over you.
By now i could do it on command ;
Detachment is my sleeping pill.
I hold nothing dear and no one,
You are another distraction, one
That is bold and persistent and i
Can't wait to lose you already
Because I'm tired of dreading it.
And i realized in my daze that
Getting over loss never made
Me stronger it just made me
More numb and now
That I'm numb no longer,
I have clutched at
Emptiness by the throat
It does not resist, it does not
Scratch, it does not
Scream, it just stares
Me in the eyes and I, for
The first time, am
Afraid of loneliness.

Snow

My tongue gets petrified at odd times
Words steal each other's turn
And jumble on the way out,
My scarf is still wrinkled
I'm sorry i was late, I've been
Lost.
He was carried away like
A broken trophy
Loss took the shape of a mountain range
Under that piece of cloth
On its trail a benevolent woman
Sowing grief into the snow, she said,
These walls are too white
It seemed that the whiteness
Desolved the color of death and acid
And the stifling smell of
Absence
The sound of glass breaking
Everything, breaking.

Do not lean on my
Shoulders i am
Weaker
Than a castle of sand, do
Not hold my hands, they will
Crumble, after they've spread this
Woe to your bones, like a shudder
Through the branches of an old willow.
I'm sorry i was late, the snow
Has gotten this thick already
Footprints are punched
Deep, like finger holes in dough
I don't know where they are going
With him wrapped like that
Wails drown in the abundance of
Whiteness
Faces of strangers turn to bricks
Isn't it cold for his frail limbs? Hey,
Why are coffins so white ?

Nostos

In a fleeting moment of
Unprecedented bravery, I
Plunged into the abyss with the
Blind faith of a child,
Eons have passed, perhaps
Lifetimes, and
She spat me back onto the world
Maimed with vindication , and nothing
To my name but some glimpses of
Glory.
Even she has
Rejected me, alas.
I can't hold a brush anymore, I
Only spill colors like I spill my shame
In your arms, love,
Do not tell me to be strong, it
Feels like a bedtime story
With a bland cover and the same old
Ending
I know all that, I know
That night is followed by dawn and
Things will fall into order in
Due time, patience is gold
One needs to be bold in the face
Of peril, etc etc

Sometimes you just need a moment
To stretch your limbs in a
Shroud of sadness
The world owes you that much
Doesn't it ?
I broke out of the shell and
Wrecked my home along
I get to grieve.

00010101

15.06.19


When the nights get longer
And the moon is too weary to
Smile, I learn that what we nurse
Under these pillows as we whisper
Our vigil away
Is a malady : perhaps what
You thought was burning desire was
Just the affable stupor of
Being understood.
My sweet boy, the most
Laughable of loves are the ones
Stuffed into cracked hearts
In hopes of mending them whole.

3/6

Rage
A tsunami of sand, and
Wrath that does not
Sleep
Swallows bullets and
Spews the shells along
With every broken dirge
Forgive us, Lord, we
Can't find the newborn
Moon, and the earth is
Satiated with the blood
Of the doves
Blood too thick to
Merge with the waters
Blood too hot it stung
The Nile and made it
Weep
Blood that won't dry before
Dawn.

Letter to Solanine

Loving someone is so easy
Being in love is an exercise.
It's quite the sordid affair to be
Loved by an inarticulate man
You claim that actions speak loud but
Language was invented to woo
Women, my love.
The heart is a bag of blood and
The moon is just another stone that
Stole the light of the sun, pine shrinks
Into a chemical reaction and
Martyrdom in the name of
Love is just a loss of another
Madman, all is pointless and
All is in vain
Without poetry.

Letter to Atticus II

In another life I loved you so very deeply
It was unbearable
Your apparition usurped my dreams and
Haunted my wake, you are
So beautiful in
Your sadness.