Kilig

Love makes you do strange things

It colors them with a burning hue you could pull them out of a crowd in a whiff

Makes you sniff out the remnants of their cologne in an empty room

Remember every word, every syllable, every half smile, and every giggle

The frequency of their blinks

Their favorite drink

Unconsciously

You take them in, whole, when you can

For the short while you won't be able to

It makes you avoid their gaze to hide what your eyes audaciously cry

Move about restlessly, so you won't get hypnotized to your swoon
It makes you laugh louder than usual, when they jest

To muffle the quickened pounds in your chest

And the vibrant carnival of panic and zest happening beneath the still pond that is your skin

You try yourself as you lay at night, for the way you have been too manifest

In your infatuation

And time stops for a few seconds when they unfold from the mist of your imagination

A jolt of ecstasy and nervousness palpitate between your stomach and throat

They set fire to your insides and you could swear the line "I love you" has melted and evaporated into a seething cloud that battles to get out, breaks all seals and roars with a loud peal to finally get caught between the tip of your tongue and your incisives

And you try so hard to hold it right there

Before it betrays you ,

But it only looks like you are awkwardly curt when they ask you how you have been

And you answer tepidly that you are good, with the shortest breaks in your breath that you can afford

Lest the words you so dread they flee, break free from bondage and run absurd
To embrace their temples

To bed in their dimples

Poems of longing
And vale

Love makes you do strange things

Unrequited love, that is.

Claire De Lune

I was walking in the dark once upon a time

And the path ahead was arduous to see

My heart was hardened by tenacious rime

And my wistful life was void of glee

I thought on my own I would do just fine

I thought I didn't need any light to tee

But I was stumbling in puddles of mud and slime

Until the bright moon smiled upon me

He said, "my heart shalt always be thine, milady

I shalt love thee till the end of times"

"If my light is to be your beacon", he said

"For you, my queen, I shall always shine"

I thought, I could stroll in the night some more

That he is the one I've been searching for

I could close my eyes and cross the moor

Because the way he shone was so sublime

So I marched into the night with evident grit

Because of my vision now I couldn't repine

I whistled songs of mirth and wit

That echoed in the night in wonderful rhymes

Until I tripped and fell into a hidden pit

And my way around I could not divine 

I thought that my friend was pulling a jest

And that he'll return, my claire de lune

But I looked to the sky and was so scared to fathom

The darkness above and the darkness ahead

I called and called for my precious moon

But all I heard was a ruthless twit

He said my heart was the one that's blind

That our strings of affection did not entwine

He said, with his love I've been feline

So I was thereby deserving of jilt

My exuberant moon was shining no longer

And alone in the dark I was left to wander

I thought what we had could pass for ardor

But alone and miserable 

I wallowed in guilt

Ritocchi

"Fine tuning" has become the axis around which my everyday life spins
Endless hours digging on the subject of Non-parametric fine-tuning of artificial Gas-Lift PID control
Which is more cringe-inducing than it sounds
Fine-tuning the strings of my beloved Japanese violin
Which is never really done, considering my terrible ears and the changing humidity
Fine-tuning the frequency of my roommie's car radio
To her mp3 player's
I could never find it, so many days I spent on this passenger seat trying
But it keeps me too busy to complain about her reckless maneuvers
And her constant jabber about her ex
Fine-tuning of the dial on the multi-purpose Gramophone in my living room
The one I capriciously bought at an online auction
A whimsical gesture, of which I'm not proud, but perfectly content
And even more capriciously called Nikolai
Fine-tuning of my vocal cords so i don't sound like a dying whale
On the 2 hours drive back home
My dad once told me that i'm a very patient person
He throws in some peculiar observations as such every once in a while
Out of context , and without introductions
I think i got 80% of my Weird from him, the rest I got by keeping myself company
It didn't really occur to me that the reason i never have the time to complain
Is that I invest a great chunk of time painting my mishaps on a canvas of amelioration
Dissipating all my energy in construction of beautiful things
Redirecting all my rage, all this anger
To hit a stern wall
Of indifference
I don't even remember when I adopted this ''chill'' credo
I'm not exactly a ''chill'' person, i rage and smash things
With far less fuss than i make it sound
It just doesn't happen often
And I know that taking my own pace as I do, and redo things
Perfecting my homework, or reading a line of a book over and over
Till it seeps through the pores of my grasp
Polishing the mirrors in a house full of them, and scrubbing the floor till it shines like ivory
Sketching a stranger from nebulous memory
Getting to really know someone before calling them a ''friend''
Deciding on my stream, for I took 4 redundant courses
Taking 2 months to decide if i should buy my car
And exactly double that to select the topic of my thesis

It is all
To avoid the sudden eruption of my inner volcanoes
By deflating the balloon of my restlessness
Slowly
Patiently
Quietly

So it doesn't explode at the first pin-poke

Memento Mori

The whisperer in the still of the night
Caresses your temples and rests on your chest
Breathes into your lungs
With every inhale
And sniffs on the perfume of your soul
When you exhale

Tick Tock

I didn't die today

Am I gonna die in my sleep tonight ? I wonder
Wouldn't know; and it's not up to me
But dear God, just one more day is all I'm asking for
I'm gonna make amends; I'm gonna sin less, and dole more
Pay attention to what my angels scribble
And the advances of the devil I'll surely fend
Dear God,
If you took my life tonight
I don't know to which side my scale will recline
And i don't know if I'd ever leave, content
Knowing that I could've ,but couldn't
Carry out my lain designs
Dear God,  tomorrow
I shall live; I shall ride that carousel they built at the Marina

Tomorrow, I shall achieve, and will surely excel
Tomorrow; if only you spared me one more day

If you won't dispel my existence away

Because, dear God,

I don't want to die

And because in the flare of the sun i remember
The overwhelming darkness of the tomb
And Azrael crosses my mind when I talk about plans
Far off in the realm of the future
When I outrageously spend on myself
Or stuff another book I won't have the time to read into my shelf
Truth is, I'm afraid of death
We all are
And of the sins I don't know about

Even more of the ones I no longer pout

When I commit
I'm a shameless sinner, and yet, I want to see God
I want to see God, and yet I'm a shameless sinner

One that trembles in regret and outpours her untold prayers

Cries her eyeballs dry on Ramadan 27th
At how heavy her sack of guilt is

I'm a sinner
That begs for forgiveness but delves back to her state of stupor
When she folds her prayer rug

I look behind my shoulder while walking at night

Because death is creeping around stalking everyone
And we won't get away, you and I
If not today, it's tomorrow
Or the day after, 20 years from now
Or next week
So i walk faster while mumbling to myself
Prayers that I memorized with repetition and forgot their meaning

Don't lie

Miss your mother more often
Pray like it's your last day
Don't abscond from the eldritch beggars roaming at the parking lot
You actually like to be courted, don't you ?
Makes you so gassed

Pull in these dyed strands

Why were we placed on earth, pray tell ?

To roll the dice at the tables of drudgery
Or to steer clear from vice and debauchery
And devote our lives strictly to prayers and veneration
Because DUI of life is a clear way to hell ?
Perhaps To Live
Is a compromise between the two occupations
A journey on a balanced cord buoyed across the void
And death,
Is a traveling tremor that trails us all the way
To tumble us off before we reach the other shore
One cannot avoid this
There is nowhere to go
We can only crawl faster, clasp our hands and gnaw with our jaws
Before we are caught off by the gendarme
Of Vertigo

I know I've wasted enough time

Thinking that life is a SEGA game that is made to be finished

If you play by the rules, and make the right connections

And I flipped when things didn't go as planned
Left behind what hindered me, cut off all the strings attached so i wouldn't trip

And I would cross that finish line before the adapter blew
Yet , vehemently, I'm a sinner
That is fine

With finishing last

On the one race
That is ever worth winning

Though all I wanted was a few cheers upon raising that excellence shield

And to be remembered when my tomb was sealed
Because I'm afraid of fading away from your memories
And I need you to remember me when i'm gone

Promise you will remember me, so i won't cling to life so tight

I want my name to be brought up in ardent talks for years to come
And for you to tell apart my face while flipping the pages of recollection
Long after my bones have turned to dust and ashes
And my existence is perpetually gone

Tell me, sir, how to live without forgetting death ?
And how not to die from the inside when you are ablaze and alive ?

Eva Perazzi

I don't do "love"
That is, I don't do public shows of affection
On the rare occasions that i was stung with the vicious bug of infatuation
I did it gracefully
In silence
It's not that i'm too afraid to wrap my heart and give it away
I just know that I love too strongly it's unsettling
And I don't scramble my way through things
Black is black and white is also black
If i bear a tenderness towards your person, my actions will speak it out loud
If i despise your shadow, my face will convey it, with a spineless grin
If I love you
If I truly love you
I'll chide my emotions like a drum
I'll destroy your defenses and loot your heed
I'll strum the cords of your heart like a harp
And i'll write a song even bolder than The Magic Flute
One that I'll sing just for you
Let it resonate and ring through time and space
Through the glare and the haze
It will engulf your senses
And deafen your doubts
And you won't
Escape
This fire of an ardor
I'll devour your heart whole and spit out the chunks of defiance
If I want to
That's just my way
Love is a sacred sentiment and the longer one keeps it prisoner
It keeps inflating 
Like a Supermoon
Growing like a ripening teen
Soaring like a quivering tower of domino
That is going to crumble at the touch of the crowning piece
Your heart and mine entwined
Like two drops of rain and dew flirting on a snug leaf
And I know, mon cher
That in due time
My love ًwill break through
Colorful blasts and uproarious eruptions
And my love
At last, will overflow

From me to you.