I was so appalled to hear her sobs on the phone
Spasms of asphyxiation between her sentences, I stood there in the dark not knowing what to do
The contents of my mind all thrown to the bottomless well of commotion
It was the first time I ever heard her voice in so many pieces
"Even you,", I thought, "could break...."
I was momentarily bemused, but for the next minutes of listening to her unintelligible moans it felt that the world as I know it has broken down along with the rhythm of her breathing
Have you ever known a person with a smile so powerful that you had no doubt their hearts were made of steel
And solid goodness
That they are just too strong to falter, so you deemed them an anchor to hold you down to earth
A living check-point to go back to, when you stand bewildered at the borders between sanity and dementia
Not knowing on which side you belong
A character molded from dignity that they find it beneath them to shed tears over mundane matters so they laugh gaily
While their faces borrowed fragments from the night
For that I paid her a great deal of respect. The only sun that still dazes my eyes even when
I'm not looking
She, in all her tender glory
Was my last pillar
And nothing makes sense anymore when even she
Broke down
I'm too afraid to ask, and she doesn't seem to recall that to doctor a wound
You gotta tell what's wrong
I remembered the first time I saw her frown; she used to sigh with a childish "Boohoo" that life isn't treating her well
And she needs a change of air; have a fat burger and laugh at strangers; muddy her feet at the beach and sing out loud on a speeding vehicle,
Then go back home too tired to remember
I'd cancel my plans for the week and go wherever she wanted
Because I knew I could fix a crooked smile with light diversions
And I knew that at the end of the day we would park the car on the side after getting two cups of tea each , and sit in quietness until she feels that the sadness is too irksome to keep
Contained
And I'd listen to her while humming along a Zidane song so she wouldn't feel too inhibited to lay her heart
On her palms
How do you fix a crooked heart, though ?
She only saw me crying once
When someone died
And I couldn't breath
I don't remember much but I remember that she came as fast as she could and she rocked me till I came back to my senses
This isn't so bad, I thought, breaking down in front of someone
They tell you nothing new, but it doesn't feel the same when someone else is patting the wound and telling you it's going to be
Okay
And I vowed since then to be her shoulder to cry on
I'd listen to it all, for hours and hours when it's cold outside and the windows get smudged with the warmth of our sighs
While staring at the bubbles clustered at the center of my cup; too cool to sip and too heavy; satiated with the pathos that seeped through the open scars on my palms; the ones that i got tattooed while patting their shoulders;
My loved ones
"Wo law ta3ref ya zalem, ba7ebbak gadr eeeh" ".....it's gonna be okay, my darling"
For somebody ...outweighs the world to me
And If the world would disappear tomorrow, or the day after
I'd grab my family and run to the mountains ,and she would be the next to come back for
I don't know what happened this time, and I'm too afraid to ask
And I can't probe her much, when she sounds this bitter
I'm too afraid that it wouldn't be okay this time
And that I wouldn't be able to lie when I know better
I'm too afraid that whatever it is, it would be far worse that I have ever felt
I'm too afraid she'd lose her brightness, the one that saved me so many times
Hers had the color of a breaking day, a lemon dahlia on the far horizon
I know no one else with a vibe so soothing
She's a faded gray right now
And the colors on my pallet have dried out while I was thinking of what to do
What to say
What not to say
I guess you can paint over people's pain until you can't
And no matter how vigorously you swirl your tainted brush in that basin of blackish water
There are kinds of sadness that you can't wash away
For the first time
In a long, long time
I lost the key to my solicitous inventory and could recall nothing but one line; "I'm sorry"
"I'm sorry that I don't know how to fix you"
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