I don't remember when I wrote this, it sounds old, and sincere.
And untrue to my current state of mind, but it deserves to see the light nonetheless.
1//
You have been bitter all your life
Over the time you have lost
On precious people
And higher callings
Your youth, your zeal
Your vigor and your appeal
All were in vain, for you never made it
To happiness
This bitterness started to seep into my skin
It took quarters deep within my cells
I am mirroring you
When we are close, you could feel it
When I pour my heart and my voice breaks
Into many pieces and my eyes glisten
And I say all the truth in its most agonizing rigor
It terrifies you, to your bones
Indeed, more than I'm terrified of becoming your shadow
You are afraid of my living the life you never got to live.
2//
Tonight you crossed my mind
It was a gay party, and I stopped laughing
To remember you properly
It's strange, for I haven't thought of you
For months past
But I like to believe it's because
You were thinking of me at that moment
Did you know, I loved you since the very first encounter
Perhaps
One never trusts their heart when time is the question
I loved you still, when I came to know
That you thought of it as a game
Because I looked like a puzzle
I loved you even when I started to notice your car
Lurking outside, and following me around
When I caught winds of your prying
On my affairs
I loved you still
When you pretended that I
Was a ghost, when I waved hi
And when I saw you stealing glances
From the corner of your eye
I loved you all this while until
I knew how much it tortured you
To silence your heart
It was genuine after all
And you had to suppress a feeling this strong
Endure this long
Yet still chose your pride
Over a shot at happiness
You deserve to suffer.
3//
You said you'd never introduce us
I took it as a joke, and laughed it off
You knew as I knew that it wasn't as such
That was your habit, mixing petty with
The sugar in the coffee you serve
I don't have it anymore because
When I used to sulk and weep I
Had to pretend that I can't see
How your eyes twinkled
For years I thought it was comfort
At finding company in this coldness of scourge
But you liked to see someone's weaknesses
Lain on the tray
It must've gave you comfort
I try too hard, don't I ?
I follow the book, and check to see
If my services were up to satisfaction
I try too hard, and it makes folks like you comfortable
"She ain't going no where
She needs this"
You think it's out of naivety
When it's just because I never tried
At all
When they were around
And I can't live with the burden of my Should'ves
Clinging to my shoulders
For the rest of my life
It wasn't so bad, when I
Had a reason to run away
For once.
4//
It's not I, it's you.
All you.
5//
I miss you badly.
6//
That was a lie
I've already forgotten
What I walked away from
The moment I turned my back on you
When one is the deserter,
It makes perfect sense
Because they got all the reasons listed
Reasons not to look back at all
But I miss badly the person I was
When I was around you
Funny
Loud
Outspoken
Adventurer
Beautiful
Innocent
That was a lie
I miss how things were
When you were around
All was in order
Having someone to be lonely with
On a Thursday night
Lay on the sand, exhausted of our
Wonted togetherness
A queer playlist shuffling
Silence for hours at length
Was comfortable for a change
I miss the way you used to talk nonstop
When I was in the mood to listen
Only stopped to take a breath,
As if you only got one chance to say it all
Before reclining to your usual moroseness
You were a major asshole when it was my turn
To act like a child
That part I don't miss
That was a lie
All of it
I miss you badly.
7//
I've never felt so alive
Until I started to live
Like I'm going to die
Before my next breath
Liberating
I'm so afraid of fading away
That I'm making all the preparations
So folks wouldn't miss me, as bad
When I'm gone.
8//
When autumn arrives
The Ginkgo tree sheds its fans
For the wind to carry away
She will never get there to see
If her kids made it safely
Her bare trunk still abides
During long summers
It harbors a few nests, and
Sustains a broken swing
Unarmored
Heavy
Full of holes
Lonely
Still stands undefeated
She had nothing to lose
And yet has lost everything
She's not happy, but greatly satisfied
She's not sad, she is just weary
I am the Ginkgo.
The Ginkgo is I.
And untrue to my current state of mind, but it deserves to see the light nonetheless.
1//
You have been bitter all your life
Over the time you have lost
On precious people
And higher callings
Your youth, your zeal
Your vigor and your appeal
All were in vain, for you never made it
To happiness
This bitterness started to seep into my skin
It took quarters deep within my cells
I am mirroring you
When we are close, you could feel it
When I pour my heart and my voice breaks
Into many pieces and my eyes glisten
And I say all the truth in its most agonizing rigor
It terrifies you, to your bones
Indeed, more than I'm terrified of becoming your shadow
You are afraid of my living the life you never got to live.
2//
Tonight you crossed my mind
It was a gay party, and I stopped laughing
To remember you properly
It's strange, for I haven't thought of you
For months past
But I like to believe it's because
You were thinking of me at that moment
Did you know, I loved you since the very first encounter
Perhaps
One never trusts their heart when time is the question
I loved you still, when I came to know
That you thought of it as a game
Because I looked like a puzzle
I loved you even when I started to notice your car
Lurking outside, and following me around
When I caught winds of your prying
On my affairs
I loved you still
When you pretended that I
Was a ghost, when I waved hi
And when I saw you stealing glances
From the corner of your eye
I loved you all this while until
I knew how much it tortured you
To silence your heart
It was genuine after all
And you had to suppress a feeling this strong
Endure this long
Yet still chose your pride
Over a shot at happiness
You deserve to suffer.
3//
You said you'd never introduce us
I took it as a joke, and laughed it off
You knew as I knew that it wasn't as such
That was your habit, mixing petty with
The sugar in the coffee you serve
I don't have it anymore because
When I used to sulk and weep I
Had to pretend that I can't see
How your eyes twinkled
For years I thought it was comfort
At finding company in this coldness of scourge
But you liked to see someone's weaknesses
Lain on the tray
It must've gave you comfort
I try too hard, don't I ?
I follow the book, and check to see
If my services were up to satisfaction
I try too hard, and it makes folks like you comfortable
"She ain't going no where
She needs this"
You think it's out of naivety
When it's just because I never tried
At all
When they were around
And I can't live with the burden of my Should'ves
Clinging to my shoulders
For the rest of my life
It wasn't so bad, when I
Had a reason to run away
For once.
4//
It's not I, it's you.
All you.
5//
I miss you badly.
6//
That was a lie
I've already forgotten
What I walked away from
The moment I turned my back on you
When one is the deserter,
It makes perfect sense
Because they got all the reasons listed
Reasons not to look back at all
But I miss badly the person I was
When I was around you
Funny
Loud
Outspoken
Adventurer
Beautiful
Innocent
That was a lie
I miss how things were
When you were around
All was in order
Having someone to be lonely with
On a Thursday night
Lay on the sand, exhausted of our
Wonted togetherness
A queer playlist shuffling
Silence for hours at length
Was comfortable for a change
I miss the way you used to talk nonstop
When I was in the mood to listen
Only stopped to take a breath,
As if you only got one chance to say it all
Before reclining to your usual moroseness
You were a major asshole when it was my turn
To act like a child
That part I don't miss
That was a lie
All of it
I miss you badly.
7//
I've never felt so alive
Until I started to live
Like I'm going to die
Before my next breath
Liberating
I'm so afraid of fading away
That I'm making all the preparations
So folks wouldn't miss me, as bad
When I'm gone.
8//
When autumn arrives
The Ginkgo tree sheds its fans
For the wind to carry away
She will never get there to see
If her kids made it safely
Her bare trunk still abides
During long summers
It harbors a few nests, and
Sustains a broken swing
Unarmored
Heavy
Full of holes
Lonely
Still stands undefeated
She had nothing to lose
And yet has lost everything
She's not happy, but greatly satisfied
She's not sad, she is just weary
I am the Ginkgo.
The Ginkgo is I.
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