I'm incapable of falling in love because I'm a sore loser.
That's the conclusion I reached after a very long contemplation.
This might sound very comical, but you will have to understand, dear reader, that It was with a great difficulty that I came to this realization, and more so making peace with the idea of writing about it here. I'm not obliged to make such disclosures about myself of course, but I get the feeling that I owe some people a decent explanation,I think.
Going back to me being a sore loser. Yes, exactly. I can't help but compete with anyone i consider deserving of my rivalry, i.e cocky assholes who think they are the smartest in the room. I get a great satisfaction from crushing them the most. Well, if they are within my zone of rivalry.
I don't like the feeling of being looked down upon and I certainly don't succumb to anyone who doesn't provide proof of them knowing better than I do. That's how I rolled ever since I could remember.
But that's not the real issue here; the problem is what drives me to be so competitive : It's the satisfaction of my vanity.
Vanity is a very sly,two-faced friend. It makes you feel great about yourself, superior to those around you, in fact, but it's also the most gruesome bonds-torpedo.
Which is why many poets and philosophers argued that there is no place for pride and vanity in love. But they just don't get that that is impossible for some people with extreme cases of arrogance. So extreme it penetrates their cores and circulates in their veins.
When it comes to romance, I can never, ever, and no matter how hard I try, bring myself to admit that I actually have a thing for someone.. that would be absurd, if you ask me ; not only because I'm a woman, but because I'm a proud woman, and that, batushka, is a very complicated being.
Proud women look constantly not for the person that completes them, but for the person that makes them yield, a person that challenges them.
But then when we find such a person, we don't simply accept them, we need to torture them first, make them fall miserably in love with us, and then reject them, push them away and see if they keep coming back, to keep proving their love to us over and over, which is , of course, far from easy, as we are very selective of the candidates worthy of our love, they have to be the type that are able to make us, proud women, give in so they are naturally the difficult type.
So here is the most common scenario, we start this cold war with the person we are supposed to have feelings for, a battle to determine who is going to give in first and admit their feelings. We, conceited women, will do everything within our powers to win this pointless war in the name of love...and the name of vanity..
But (wait it gets better) , if our love interest happens to yield first, It's the height of irony that their place in our hearts is no longer ; we lose interest in them.
Why ? because now we've proved to ourselves that we are superior. It's game over for you, my friend, because once you yield , you become the Reacher, and one of us becomes the Settler, which is a type of relationships that satisfies this vanity peculiar to our type, true, but never our hearts and consequently never last.
My problem is that I'm never the Reacher. I have to be the Settler, which doesn't work out for the other party of course, unless they are very understanding (and smart enough to get the clauses of this arrangement without stating its terms verbally)..But if the other person is too smart, I'll feel very self-conscious while dealing with them, and I'll start wondering whether I'm actually the Reacher while being tricked to believe the opposite, and then my pride gets annoyed and whispers to me that I absolutely need to prove that things are still in control. That is, by making a statement that I'm actually not under the spell of this person, and that I can walk away anytime.. Which is of course the beginning of the ruin of any relationship.
See ? our confounded pride intervenes to prevent us from enjoying even the small fragments of romance. We are tortured women : we lose either ways, unless we bury within the deepest depths of our hearts this detestable conceit.
Well, don't think you can grasp anything from this chaotic confession unless you have a similar mentality.. So anyway, my dear future partner,
if you want me to yield and admit that I actually have feelings for you, you will have to prove to me that you are smart enough to receive the great privilege of my feelings..
But you will have to be on a level so advanced it makes me too lazy to interpret your actions and gestures, you will have to have the emotional IQ of Eistein to be able to trick me into believing that I'm the one in control, because otherwise I'll always be competing with you to overthrow you from the throne of romance.
I already feel bad for the person that will make me fall head over heels for him, he will have to work really hard, the poor thing...lol
That's the conclusion I reached after a very long contemplation.
This might sound very comical, but you will have to understand, dear reader, that It was with a great difficulty that I came to this realization, and more so making peace with the idea of writing about it here. I'm not obliged to make such disclosures about myself of course, but I get the feeling that I owe some people a decent explanation,I think.
Going back to me being a sore loser. Yes, exactly. I can't help but compete with anyone i consider deserving of my rivalry, i.e cocky assholes who think they are the smartest in the room. I get a great satisfaction from crushing them the most. Well, if they are within my zone of rivalry.
I don't like the feeling of being looked down upon and I certainly don't succumb to anyone who doesn't provide proof of them knowing better than I do. That's how I rolled ever since I could remember.
But that's not the real issue here; the problem is what drives me to be so competitive : It's the satisfaction of my vanity.
Vanity is a very sly,two-faced friend. It makes you feel great about yourself, superior to those around you, in fact, but it's also the most gruesome bonds-torpedo.
Which is why many poets and philosophers argued that there is no place for pride and vanity in love. But they just don't get that that is impossible for some people with extreme cases of arrogance. So extreme it penetrates their cores and circulates in their veins.
When it comes to romance, I can never, ever, and no matter how hard I try, bring myself to admit that I actually have a thing for someone.. that would be absurd, if you ask me ; not only because I'm a woman, but because I'm a proud woman, and that, batushka, is a very complicated being.
Proud women look constantly not for the person that completes them, but for the person that makes them yield, a person that challenges them.
But then when we find such a person, we don't simply accept them, we need to torture them first, make them fall miserably in love with us, and then reject them, push them away and see if they keep coming back, to keep proving their love to us over and over, which is , of course, far from easy, as we are very selective of the candidates worthy of our love, they have to be the type that are able to make us, proud women, give in so they are naturally the difficult type.
So here is the most common scenario, we start this cold war with the person we are supposed to have feelings for, a battle to determine who is going to give in first and admit their feelings. We, conceited women, will do everything within our powers to win this pointless war in the name of love...and the name of vanity..
But (wait it gets better) , if our love interest happens to yield first, It's the height of irony that their place in our hearts is no longer ; we lose interest in them.
Why ? because now we've proved to ourselves that we are superior. It's game over for you, my friend, because once you yield , you become the Reacher, and one of us becomes the Settler, which is a type of relationships that satisfies this vanity peculiar to our type, true, but never our hearts and consequently never last.
My problem is that I'm never the Reacher. I have to be the Settler, which doesn't work out for the other party of course, unless they are very understanding (and smart enough to get the clauses of this arrangement without stating its terms verbally)..But if the other person is too smart, I'll feel very self-conscious while dealing with them, and I'll start wondering whether I'm actually the Reacher while being tricked to believe the opposite, and then my pride gets annoyed and whispers to me that I absolutely need to prove that things are still in control. That is, by making a statement that I'm actually not under the spell of this person, and that I can walk away anytime.. Which is of course the beginning of the ruin of any relationship.
See ? our confounded pride intervenes to prevent us from enjoying even the small fragments of romance. We are tortured women : we lose either ways, unless we bury within the deepest depths of our hearts this detestable conceit.
Well, don't think you can grasp anything from this chaotic confession unless you have a similar mentality.. So anyway, my dear future partner,
if you want me to yield and admit that I actually have feelings for you, you will have to prove to me that you are smart enough to receive the great privilege of my feelings..
But you will have to be on a level so advanced it makes me too lazy to interpret your actions and gestures, you will have to have the emotional IQ of Eistein to be able to trick me into believing that I'm the one in control, because otherwise I'll always be competing with you to overthrow you from the throne of romance.
I already feel bad for the person that will make me fall head over heels for him, he will have to work really hard, the poor thing...lol
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