Letter From Secret Santa

"
Dear Soft Spirit,

You don't know me
I don't know you either
But how much do we know about anyone
At all ?
One spends years and years inside their own skin
And still wakes up surprised, on a pleasant morning
A new flower has blossomed
In the garden of their soul
Flourishes for a day,
Before it decays along with the sunset
You wanted to fix the world,
But dear child, the world isn't broken
Some of us think that it doesn't even twirl
So let us say that it is already fixed
We are mere instruments
With thoughts, and roller coasters of emotions
Some flesh and bones, dreams and
Disappointments
Too many rose beds of our own
To tend
That we may not have the time to lend a helping hand
Nurturing vitality in someone else's
I pray, as I look at all these flowers in yours
That you never have to fix your broken heart
In this life.


P.S : Bananas are boss fruits, how dare you?

"

Claire de Lune II

How small we are,
Disarmingly artless
These pavements look too neat
As I walk
We've come a long way
I crush the fallen leaves beneath my feet
As if they were the last of the hurdles
I had to vanquish
Before I could be
Air burns through my nostrils
Winter is here, for a few days
He fumbled for a lighter in his pockets
The night was young
It was a full moon, and the stars
Revealed their glow in full bloom
How small,
We are, indeed
Trapped in a cage
We built to hide from the monsters
Gnawing at our souls
Since the inception
I remember when I lost my mind
For the first time
So much sense lies within reach
Once you stumble upon the edge,
A wise man to your left
An unlit cigar between his lips
Silence beneath the dome
Where poetry is woven
Grubs on a leaf, we are
Erudite, never, as we scramble for a few bites
And four walls we call home
The profoundest of beliefs are the ones
We could chew away without pains
Someone once said that the moon
Was a perished sun
And ever since then there was a bitterness in my throat
A compelled apology of a lover, at nightfall
When I watched the sun set
How could we call it a thief, that silent rock
That was older than sin
When all this time, it was a martyr ?
The lesser light, the middle son
The gendarme of the night; its glory stolen
Its part of the story, hitherto
Forgone.

It finally rained
On my birthday.




I wonder what strangers think
Watching this girl spinning around
Arms wide open
As if she wanted to hug the clouds

Or drench her soul

A phoenix dies in the flames
From it emerges anew
Glorious
And ablaze

Perhaps, I dissolve in the rain
And rise up a new person
With the lasting dew.

2\\

تجمدت متفرسة نتاج ساعتين من الإنحناء

غريبان يدندان في سلام

سكن بثقل المجرات يكسو أطراف أصابعي

و كأنما مسست الليل بداخلي وهلة

"ثمة شيء ناقص، ماذا تظن ؟"

"إنها مكتملة"

"لكنها لا تشبهني"

"يقولون أن خطوط الفحم تضفي 25 عاماً

إنها أنت من المستقبل، لكنك لم تتغيري كثيراً"

"وأنت لم تتغير أبداً"

"لقد فات الأوان

على أن أغير وجهي"

لا أعلم كثيرا عن الجمال

سماء صافية، كلمات تنساب من حنايا الروح

سلسبيلاً

لحظة سلام قبيل الغروب

النظر إلى المحبوب، أخبرته أن ذلك ما يعنيه إسمي

ذاك الغريب، قال إنه اسم جميل

عيناه كانتا بلون الهال

نادراً ما رأيت هذا اللون في غير لوحة 

قال إنه احترف الرسم ليغير الواقع

لأن الواقع مليء بالعيوب

لم أصححه

صدقاً، تعبت من الغرباء والأحباب

يتسكعون في ثياب رثة وكأنها تقليعة دارجة

لست مغرمة بنفسي

ولكنني أحبها بما يكفي لألا أعرض عوراتها

تحت نور الشمس، مثل ذنب الملحد

"لديك وجه حسن، يا سيدي

عيناك نادرتان، مما سمعت ،لديك قلب وكيع

وأيضاً، صوتك يتفكك مثل الجليد على بحيرة

في بواكير الربيع

عندما اميل للأمام لكي أفهم ما تقول

إنني أعطيك كل حواسي

كأنما أستمع لسوناتا وترية قبل أن أحاول عزفها

لماذا تصمت لحظة كأن الحديث عبء كبير ؟

كأن أفكارك في بئر عميقة

وفي جلبها من القاع اضمحلال نصف الدلو ؟"

في أحيان كثيرة لا أقول شيئاً

لأن عبء القول أثقل من فراغ الصمت

أبتسم، بسذاجة الطفل الذي لا يفقه ترتيب الكلام

لعل ما أرسمه على وجهي لا يفتقر إلى تفسير

لا أعلم كثيراُ عن الجمال، ربما ما أفعله في وقت فراغي

مضيعة للوقت، إن كنت لا أعلم كثيراُ عن الجمال

لكنك إنسان جميل

قبل سنتين أخبرتني بأن الفن يظهر الأشخاص على حقيقتهم

وان فني كان جميلاً

وفي ذلك اليوم كتبت عن الفراشات والأعاصير

في ذلك اليوم أردت للمرة الأولى أن أترك ميراثا جميلاً

لأنني أعرف الكثير من الاشخاص من مثلك

أشخاص يصنعون ثوب الجمال ولا يرتدونه

أشخاص يعثرون على الجواهر في الثرى

و يمنحونها هبة لعابري السبيل

لست امرأة جميلة، أيها الغريب ذو الكلام المعسول

بيد أني قد تقبلت عيوبي ولم أعد أراها

ف لم تعد تراها.

1\\

أبتسم دائماً عندما يخبرني رجل بأنني جميلة

ليس حياء ، أو امتناناً

ابتسامة بما معناه "أنت الرابع هذا الأسبوع"

نفحات من "أعلم، رأيت وجهي في المرآة قبل خروجي" 

قليل من "ألم يكتب الشعراء أبلغ من ذلك في بند التودد؟"

ابتسامة في طياتها "و بعد؟"

 ماذا جنت امرأة جميلة من الكون غير الكلام المعسول

و النهايات الحزينة؟

Muscle Memory

Today I've been feeling off
One of these moods
When nothing is wrong except your being stuck
In a reel, waiting for a fire to break out
So you could break away
It's humid outside, in bloody November
And I've got time till my cup grows cold
He said he was not dressed for the occasion
Dusty flip flops were on his feet and I smiled
Son, you carry yourself just fine
For a boy unprepared
I ran away, naturally
Stood at the door for a while to sign farewell
But nobody turned to look, regrettably
I left, without any good byes
It's become my kink
It's been really strange, all day
Never looked at the sky once
It still never rained, in bloody November
Been trying to call a few on the phone
But none gone through
I think I've been seeking help
For a scourge unknown, yet to befall me
And something was scratching inside
Had to plunge into the pits of slumber
So I ran as fast as I could

Oblivion is how I get through my rues

This feels familiar

Sometime ago, I wrote about it even
And I slept like a child, on a wet pillow
Woke up a new person, in a different place
In a different time, a whiff of a nightmare clinging to my lashes
Eternal sunshine on my spotless mind
What was it that made me want to delve
Towards a far deeper oblivion
On one foggy night, long forgotten ?
On another plane of existence perhaps I wanted to erase
This day, perhaps it's why it doesn't feel right
This reel ,broken, and squeaking

Why is it that my tears overflow when I couldn't put a finger
On the woe ?


What did I forget to remember ?


Whatever it is that put a crack in my chest
Right here in this sealed car
On the same hour
On the same day
In the same corner
I couldn't tell

What is it that I refused to remember ?

But my body still did ?

Trembled with rage, at my failed retention
Shrunk in cut pride
What a disgrace, my inattention

Why do these tears burn hotter than those of heartbreak

I still remembered heartbreak

And of this novel affliction I recall none

The body remembers the pain, strangely, doesn't it
The body remembers the strain on its bones
When this weight decides to roost
The body still remembers and all your limbs whisper in one breath
When you try to gather your parts
Hug your shivering arms and tighten your insides
As you dart away from a bullying reminder

"You
Don't get to walk away
From this."

How did my body still mourn you
When my heart learnt how to live
Without the memory of you ?

Dépaysement

There was a moment of clarity
When I realized that I was not wanted
As much as I wanted
Indignant, I never got my notice
People don't fight with words anymore
They just pack in silence
No one recalls with awe
The wars that were killed off
Before they killed anyone
Ever wondered what happens to the balloon
When it lets go of the twig
And floats to the sky

BOOM,
What a shame; no one gets to hear it, that final cry

I recoil to my sweet stupor of carelessness
Assumed
Not so much dismay, as I'd have wished
A knot was undone, I was let go,
And so I've run
It is an obvious lie, I tell myself
That's still truer than truth
All these thespian lines that take on the face
Of supercilious mockery, a mask
Beneath a mask
Of changing landscapes

I never tell lies, even when I do

The heart feels lighter, indeed
And the sun, as you might expect, still shines, brighter
I have gotten through my day
Though sleepless, as I lay, at the darkest hours
I've made peace with the fact that I abscond
When push comes to shove, and
These bonds ,of friendship and love, that I made
Intricate, and frail, are akin to spiderwebs
They take a long time to be
And yet a few whiffs to flail apart

You know, sometimes I think I am healed
From being

And sometimes, a few days a year
When it's too quiet and the clouds are cross
I'm slapped into remembrance: a few maladies
Of the heart
Don't go away with old age

Time teaches you how to make homes
Instead of blanket tents and sand castles
Somewhere to hide, where no one could find you
When reality is not being so kind
And the child remains asleep, somewhere, tucked in the deep
They never wake up, until it's time to pack
Again
And mine seems to have a curious case
Of a Benjamin Button
Sometimes, when I get too cold
Having bared myself from truths that cower
Behind the broad backs of truthful lies
I yearn for a home that I wrecked with my own hands
He said, "He who must be born,
Must first destroy a world", and I did
My home was built inside the frame of a dusty painting
Hung on the pale wall of our living room
Considered the world, before I could remember much
Behind the blurry panes of that window
For days and nights, hid away from
A crowd of inquisitive gazes
Card board faces
Rogue shadows
Broken voices
A cold cup of tea to my side, and my palms never got numb
Carrying the weight of my resting wonders

And I wondered a lot
Why I never get disappointed
Though I try
These poems scream in high pitches of scorn
Laughing from the shadows, even I get torn
Between the submission to a trance
And the dread of it all
How comfortable in their bareness these words are
Mocking their creator
And you, you little green horn
You think you understand
You think there is a case in here
Stuck in the moving sand to my chin
Got your piercing nosiness under my skin
You think I'm broken
You think my unfaltering love is a token
You earn by nodding at the right pace
I could suck your soul dry
Kiss your lips in all the ardor I could summon
Then leave you to die
And I still wouldn't love you
At your deathbed
Because my bits are too precious
And I love them all
Too much to love another
And perhaps I buried them under the porch
In that house, my innocent
My blight
My willingness to fight
Someone pulled my hands and I lept into the world
People weren't made of cardboard
Anymore
Their sneers synced with their lips, at last
Their shadows didn't fight for space
And I have always tried to remember
How that house
Looked from the inside.

Mikan

Once, she was putting away the left overs from lunch

A tear trickled down her eye, and she turned to the other side 

So I wouldn't see

Said, "No one eats anymore

I used to cook every day..."

And I, hugging her sideways

Printed a kiss on her cheek

Somehow, of late, I've put on a lot of weight

But there were no more left overs
And my mother ceased to cry

She asks mechanically as I pack

If I'll be coming on the weekend
"Yes, momma", my equally mechanical response
"Got nothing better to do anyway"

Once, she said, as I strapped my seat belt, that I should commute 

"it will work out", she explained 

"I will wake you up for Fajr and you shall leave after breakfast

All rejuvenated and peppy

"You

Seem like you don't have breakfast. Often."

I used to run away from home
Of late I seem to never want to leave
Three hours, 250 kms

Momma talks a lot on the phone

When she calls in the mornings

I tug my cell into the crevice of my shoulder
As I struggle to type

Bruised and tense from the last session

"You have a class again today?", she stands at the door

I print another kiss and walk away
When did I start saying goodbye like I'm bidding farewell?

Wish I could recall what she says last

When her silence suddenly interrupts my thoughts

By habit; it's my time to dwell on things uncalled for

While I'm driving her around

She never waits 

"How does he look like? Add Milk to the list.

There is a Henna tomorrow, can you stay?"

Racing along the seconds

So she could say it all, and I would wait until she runs out

Of things to say

To tell her that I loved her

"Is that so?"

"Yes, Momma, I love you so."

"Add Ulker to the list."

Hey, Momma,
My friends say I never talk much, did you know ?

All these hours I was trapped in my car with someone

On the passenger seat spilling their spleens out

And I ,looking ahead into the gloom

It's the mind that spoke to fill in the quietness between their breaths 

Not for a moment did I let my heart stray

Save for this space that I hid away, from you

I learnt to never talk much that words sound meek

And fragmented when they have to scratch up my vocal cords

For a change

That I stutter 

And I find it hard to utter the passages I have practiced all night

While sleep has run off to play a game of hide and seek

Along with the things I was supposed to remember 

And the trifling visions that I wished were real 

Momma, it's because you never listened

And Momma, sometimes I feel like I was robbed of 

Being a daughter 

So I could be a mother
To you, and I had to skip my fresher years

When I didn't know how to woman ,that I got trapped
Behind the face of a child with a chest too ample for my days
And the spirits of a broken boy
And limbs too awkward and small for my whims
A heart too shy and paranoid
Quiet as a grave, some days
Melts in Bohemian Rhapsodies ,some moments
And I never disliked holding your hands while

Walking around the market at 26 years old so you wouldn't get lost

Because it was I, that wanted to hold on to what's left of what I have missed

It is I that wants to cling to earth

So I wouldn't float

And disappear

Momma,

We grew up so fast ,didn't we ?

Scattered around like frightened beads 

Driven by hunger for life and things unseen

A yearning

To get away

Still standing in motion, by the pulls

Of duty

Our umbilical cords dangling from our bellies yet.

Martele

If only it was possible to smother all the voices around you
The gushing wind through the cracks in the pane
The humming of the neon lights
The distant wheezes of the fridge in the kitchen
The friction of your breaths through your nostrils
Your faint heartbeats
The shifts of your palm as you shield your temples
From acoustic usurpers
But alas,
It's in vain, isn't it ?

When all dies out, you could still hear the brute voice
Of silence

In a while, it gets louder
Rings timbers at the back of your head
Bounces off walls you could swear were dead
In a while longer it learns to alter the habit of your lungs
So it could wheeze along at night
Takes abode in the cracks of your joints
Looking for a loophole
To steal way deep into your soul
A whole kingdom to conquer, plenty of room to resonate and
Palpitate, grow limbs, and make a home out of your cranium
Perilous 


Stay away from high rooftops and forgotten  benches
People that sit at length conversing with the quiet blue
Plug your ears as if there is poison in the ripples of sound
Dig your nails into your scalp, as you walk by
Close your eyes, and chant all the words you know out loud
Seek out strangers with restless eyes
They chatter the most, and tell no lies
Talk to yourself during long drives
There are clots of silence traveling around
A single shudder begets a hurricane
Could your rib cage hold its grounds ?
Being so grandiosely defenseless
You livid bard with pointed ears and permanent goosebumps
Looking for trouble where you shouldn't lurk

Silence

Is coming for you.

The Blast

Goodness of soul is so rare to find
In this age of ours
That's what I always thought, when she spoke of love
Have always wondered how she does it grandiosely,
Being so kind
In a world so vulgar
She said on one dark hour that she knew
He had a life of his own, apart from his beau
A happy nest he made with another
Having succumbed to the pleas of his mother
Mere months after he uttered the words 
You see, when the chest is glutted, one has to make a few
Confessions
And she, basked in the moonlight
Turned her head and asked in all candidness,
If it was okay to wait
On him
Wait ,despite the shackles of guilt
And the chains of desire
For years and years for their fate to change
While she never faltered
Wait, for to love, she said, without a gleam of deliverance

Is the highest of callings





Hey, kindred spirit

Could it be a bless that we don't get to see
The greater picture that is splattered amiss ?
Is knowing too terrible to bear with
That we deign to pick the awkward lies
And guile lullabies
Over a truth too bare and loud to miss?
Perhaps it's drenched in rue, ever so bleak
Yet we choose to call it a beautiful mess
This higher calling; a sorry excuse
For a piece of art

Why are humans so weak, though
Before the maladies of the heart ?

Tears of wrath are quite the scare
When they gush so rapid, as you flare
With unwarranted emotions
Sometimes you don't understand
Why your tepid strands of expression

Would crumble beneath your chin

Turning the knobs of your poise so craftily
Weighing your bow of concern so furtively
I raged, my self beside, with utter disdain
Such a fall from grace, I'm aware
How I wept for a notion profound, that I grasped afresh
Yet couldn't quite explain
To my woe and bewilderment
In that moment of bareness, I didn't dare expose my face

Breath, it's not about you
But she is miserable
She is not you
It isn't fair
It's not happening
To you
What does it matter to you ? Your heart is sound
Your soul is free
Your cup of tea, it never gets cold
You never found the will to destroy a world
For the one you adored
Harbor the beauty of it all, and baseness, in your bones
Reduce your pride into droplets of resignation
Trap yourself in a car with smudgy panes asking all the right questions
Of the wrong person

You wouldn't understand

Was it for a sore on my flesh, that I bitterly wept ?
I wonder
Or for a lump in my throat that I couldn't relieve
Was it really for her ?
Or for love, getting defiled, heinously
For the broken trust of a child
For the blight of man

For the world, being black and white, only either

The incertitude of one with a soft nature
Having to tread over patches of shadow and light
For the fact that I cared 
To the point of having to choose
Between a breath and a sigh
For a hurt that wasn't mine to take home

Was it for myself, after all,
That I shed all these tears ?

And I, with all my pretentious airs
Wanted to puke all the words bulging in my throat
The acrid, the sorry
The callous, the mean
The irretrievable
The tired

The pointless
The pointless

The pointless

I said nothing

What could words fix when it was the words the broke everything ?

What is it that you seek
Still lurking around in these parts ?

This is my private kingdom

In here I rule

I'm the loudest
And the most honest
When hailed
Behind these mute walls
By the echoes of silence
These terse outbursts of loneliness
None else would understand
And you
Would you like me to surrender to you
My remaining verses of land
My rightful property where I roll bare
And no fingers are pointed and
No one would stare
Surrender my only louver
For a bit of fresh air
To you
And your lecherous pokes
Of idle curiosity ?

Umbra

It's been a while
Since we've had a conversation, dear Heart
"Mitescere", I used to whisper ,gently
When you got too loud, didn't I?
You've been quiet of late
And I know better not to shoot the arrows of blame
You should take your time snapping out of that one
Though it's a shame that a fine fellow such as you
Was reduced to mere flesh and blood, and a few bits of reason
There's been this heaviness, lo, at the back of my skull
Makes it laborious to rise in damp mornings
Air weighs heavy on one's chest ,even

I've been meaning to confess, been keeping this scrape in my purse

And I wrote when I got tired of carrying thoughts too hefty

For my head

No one quite understands, when I speak of these things
Flustered, their eyes would implore and beseech
For a window of humor
To break the silence
A guest so brusque, uninvited, he marches in
Unannounced
Entitled to all the space in between
And I've gotten tired, of this state of drowsiness
You taught me to align my words for the day,
On the ceiling, while I rested and my lax muscles gathered the grit
To live
Scatter them flat like newborn constellations
Lest I forget, of the rites of healing
How to lull myself into numbness, again
When night has fallen
But did you notice that faint shudder
In my ring finger ? My right eyelid jerks frenziedly
At random times of the day
Makes it hard to presto
Indeed, people have no manners these days
Opening doors sealed shut and slamming them loud
On their way out
Of my heart
And my heed
Clenching their fists on my anemic soul
Till it bleeds some mellowness
Then some more
Till it dries
And when they find nothing left to take
They take off
Kinda feels like I've been watching my shadow
Pale, bashful to wrinkling
While I stood in motion, it took off in hesitation
Possibly, it finds no appeal in lingering
I'm not a hero one would care to follow, you understand
And ,did you know ? Get this
Remember how I took pride and joy
In my vehement candidness, of sorts
Out of all my sorts I took pleasure in rinsing my tongue
Fresh, of all that reeked with the odor of qualm
Begotten by the waist, this sole child of my conscience
Whipped into shape by much tribulations,
Compelled to flatness many a tantrum of rage
Hindered motives for revelation, and defeated means of articulation
And here I am, surrounded in a dark corner
By my own
Twenty five years of age
And I wouldn't have known
That I told the truth, bare and wholly
Spared no chance to empty clean
What rested moldering in my spleen, solely
Because it drove what's left of my kindred
Out of my heart
Out of my heed.

Halcyon

Could one perish and be blown away
Specs of ash and petals of withered roses
While still brimming with the swell of life?
On Friday afternoons, when it takes longer
For the sun to exhaust her glitter
I toy with the last morsel on my plate
A little thought dipped in vinegar
And for many a sleepless hour I tried to nudge this affair
Towards the darker corners of my pate
What has changed ? 
Since the time I wanted to drive away
Into the void, and never make it back 
Echoes off washed walls and smudged mirrors
Rests on the floor when it tires, this question
It dins in my left ear
Scratches when I turn to the colder side
Of my pillow
Lingers in my dry mouth
Like the first suckling of an infant

What has changed
Me ?

I remember my ribs being closer than this
My heart didn't shiver as much
When carressed by a cold breeze
It used to have a fine overcoat
Of fur and credence
I considered faces more carefully
Words wriggled more
When I rested my tongue for too long
Between my thoughts
When I scribbled on a dry scrape, they scattered
A formation without a commander
And I never shed tears when I trembled with rage
Before, strange things are going on
Silence used to assuage my restlessness
It digs trenches inside my joints
Now
Peeps out when I lay at night
Creeps away the sultan of slumber
For sport
Silence nowadays terrifies me into a frenzy 

Forgetting to remember
What beast that locks itself afraid in a closet
When I flood the lantern of suspicion
Upon the attic of my brain

What renders a human softer than a flake ?
Lighter than a shadow
I wonder at length; as I open it
Is it the weight of living
Or the weight of the hand of doom on one's shoulder
Cold, as it slides to trace the spine of their back
Whatever changes a person in ways they
Lost the means to track, or sedated their motif to ?
An old hound, laying to die by their side on the sofa
You touch your face as you brush thy teeth
A regular mope of a stranger unfolds from the mist
Your human condition pinched a trench
Between your brows, and a regrettable hysteresis
Of irony, on your jowls
The birth of a day drags its forgotten younger twin behind:
Hope of an early sunset
And lo, twenty years pass by, while you gargle
The stranger grimaces, meaningfully

Was I this numb before I woke up ?
You ask

Was I numb in my mother's womb ?

Would I feel the same as I lay quiet in my tomb ?

Does it prick my heart that I could never remember
Beyond the crash as I stood on the tracks of a train
Marching with the will of a dying man who got nothing to lose
Or does it twist my arm of resolve that I never thought of budging ?
For my life,
For a life
Elsewhere
Somewhere


Early mornings used to taste Yellower than this
And long nights smelt of philistine immortality
Used to dance in the rain as a child

When did I stop being one ?

If I chopped down my arm, how many circles would I count
Till I reach the marrows ?

I used to feel things louder than this

Was I alive, back then ? or was I reborn as I rose from the slime of
Injured expectations
Would I remember how I lived
When I pass on beyond the borders of trepidation
Would these limbs be washed clean
Of rue
Would a stranger hands drain my spleens
Of this chronic bitterness
Would all these broken oaths I carved onto my skin
Seep through the dried pits of good earth
Towards the core of everything dark
Everything admissible
Would the reek of my deeds rise
Would my lot of reminiscence fall
Would I ever recall
When is it that I have died while alive
And what has resurrected me thus
An incurious puppet among woke souls ?

The Lyrical Age

They tell us to dream, aim high and gleam bright
But when we dare to break out of our bubbles of ease
We are crushed like autumn leaves by the boots of reality
They always argue that we didn't wait for enough Springs
Aimed too high to find our footing when we jumped to reach for the lagging strings
Of our innocent visions
No one around seems to know the answers,
So we circle them in copied patterns
And our sweet youth we spent in a daze:
Zealous lovers and frolicking dancers
Velvet dreams and idle days as we spaced out the windows of taverns
We wanted to be a lot of things that didn't make sense
We wanted to stay young, lay around drunk in our inordinate disappointments
Spill our hearts without a care,
Blame it on the freshness of our marrows
And yet we wanted to grow older, clasp the bars we had to hop in order to touch
Not too old with permanent ripples carved on our brows
And sacks of guilt and regrets
Hidden beneath our quilts

Preferably immortals at the age of thirty

We are a lot of things that we didn't choose to be
We are the restless, and we are the numb
We are the fearless, and we are the broken
We are the butterflies and we are the hurricanes
Droplets in the ocean and the castaway scum
But hey, does it count as a quest if you daydream at your door step

For the rest of your life
Thought you perished by famine in the far East of Fantasia
When you have passed on with a gentle shudder in your sleep
If you've hastened to feel and hurried to live, 

Because you got nothing to lose
Not one bit of devotion was left for you to give
Got both masks of Thalia and Melpomene because you couldn't decide which fit you the best
If you took a lifetime to figure the How, failing after, but clasped the Why by the throat
As you plunged into the night, roaring with laughter, to hide the grimaces
Broken many promises but always paid your debts
Made mistakes you could never amend, but proudly owned like your children
Couldn't be a ranger, but traced constellations on the faces of strangers
Never won a race, never demolished empires, never learnt how to kiss, 

But knew by heart how to mend what's broken with a warm embrace
If you never mustered the guts to leave home, or towards home
But still tucked your cases ready beneath your bed

Just in case.

Ode to Scorpions

The world doesn't make much sense anymore
All these abstracts
Frames more expensive than the sentiments
Metronomes of thought so precise and yet no one really knows
How this novel instrument of indifference
Is to be tuned
Only Bach wept bitterly
Humans, wallowing in their chronic humanness
Clusters of solitude resigned to reconciliation with their crooked
Bastards of boredom trying to sing
In a choir of opinionism
It grits on your ears
Or it's just that you are out of sync
After so many years of playing solo
Out of syntax
Out of fad
Out of rhyme
Out of reason

Out of candidness

It dripped from the corner of your gaped mouth
When words started to taste gray
At a festive table, where the sun took seat
Across from you
The earth kept turning
Flirtatiously
And the lonely moon that fell out of track
Unknowingly meddled with the gravity in between
Anomalies grow when they are not contained
Denied of the gleam that you borrowed yourself, you recoiled
To your shell
The moon is just a thief, see
When its not a crag that reflects illumination
Only hailed by bards
And cursed by lovers
Every now and then, you remember
That the children of the night
Have to perish in the shadows
And yet, they pine for the light
When their spines bend like archs of triumph
They pine for the light
The pricks and the grazes
The tingling embraces
Of all that is pure and white

Why is darkness so fragile?

When it swallows constellations
And drowns the novice vagrants
It dwells in one's soul
Makes a hearth of their humble Sternum
And yet it's as coy as a virgin
When caressed by the freshness of spring

They were born in the depths, the crawlers

Urged to peer outside by the nudges of curiosity

To be out there, it drains them, slowly

Makes their pale skin crumble
Makes their faces crack
Their remains seep into the smallest crevice in the pavement
Where a clown once stood, offered his shoulder to strangers
To cry on
So he could cry on
They lurk in there, pieces of the gloom
Abiding
Wait for the sun to find
Them
Or what's left of them.

Kyrrð

Ephemeral moments of silence
Last longer than you'd hope for
While the sun descends towards the sunken horizon
You could watch it tuck its Ochre drapes
Into the ridges between your thoughts
Precious heirlooms, time is expecting
A tomorrow that may never come
I stood before such a spectacle
Rolling the loom of my recollections for the day
All that has remained for me after the flood has passed
Are these echoes of echoes inside my brain
A distant scent of a disposition past
A wounded survivor of a noetic awakening
Orphaned children of fallen resolves
Cashing pensions of a worthless tranquility
Water receded, at last

Darkness succeeded

Droplets of inkling trickle on my nose

Fall upon a thinning icicle of comfort ,somewhere within

And when clouds align in a hint of rain
My cleanser

It never arrives
It drives me insane, this drought in the clouds
This drought in earth
This drought in humans
This drought in my being
And it still never rained, throughout the seasons 

Just like I've never regained my reign
Over reason

And I've been numb for too long

It's been quiet for too long

It's been dry for too long

It's been dark for too long

I, afraid to budge yet still nudged into moving
Never looked behind, still never bothered
To look ahead

I, in my stillness, still try
To write the way I used to, if i  could at least explain
To the throng of nought, how I came to be
But these moments of rapture at the darkest hours
Akin to summer nights and newborn butterflies
Bloom for a mere instant

The feeling never lasts, and yet the craving never dies

Words reluctant to flow, and have a color so livid

The puncture in my chest is haunted by the wicked
When I know there's been a word 
Clinging to my tongue
Like a rich man clutching at the brink of a labyrinth
His pride, and his hunger
Pumping blood into his fingers


Poetry 
Has abandoned me, at last

Seem that I've betrayed the order of rhetorics, spilled all the sentimental
And real from the nooks in my head
As I tried to heal

Used the living and the dead

Until I got my pen cursed
By the malady of the undying 

My veins never bled in black since then

The sun is drowning
Left another echo behind

Was it better when I
Used to feel everything bulging inside

Or is it better now that my time 
Has finally stopped 
?

Amor Fati

"Everything is possible
But nothing is absolute
We pick our truths like we reject our lies
By utter convenience
And a truth is only so
Because it was laying around for the loot

Your delusion
Could verily be someone else's creed

Isn't that beautiful ?

All these possibilities and all one ever needs
Is to have enough sense to pick what best to believe in."

She kept quiet for a while

"You know, I had a dream", she finally muttered
Looking sideways, lips pursed as if her words barely got the permission
To leave
Took out a pencil and drew on the napkin
What she thought was a revelation
Krutoi would've smiled at that scene
I haven't looked at her face in full view
Since we met
She sparkled, under that fluorescent light
Beneath an orange painting

"I'm looking for a man whose face I couldn't see
But was told he was my fated person
And I shall find him walking down this street
Where three buildings of the same front looked down on a garden
At the time it finally rains in K city
I heard it rained there, yesternight, you know

It's stupid, but I wonder
I wonder if I would find him there. Right now."

She had on her this bashful smile
Like all the hopes she could ever harbor
Have taken abode in the shadows itched in her laughter lines
Like she has waited all her life
For this moment ,yet stopped an inch before
Fumbling around for a safe landing

I sipped on my coke and said "Let's go."
"Let's go nudge your fated lover into awakening.
He must know
Who you are."
And she looked at me, wide-eyed like a child's first moment
Beneath the light
Even I was surprised, that I didn't burst out laughing yet

"Disbelief in nothing.", isn't it ?


Somehow, deep down, I hoped that God would send a stranger
That would restore the children of faith that has wandered away
From this woman's heart, at old age
Perhaps I was just bored, unusually nostalgic for the grand and mysterious
Have read too many a line of Kazansakis, and grew loose in picking
My sport

I didn't know her last name, and she didn't know mine

And on that evening
We wandered together down an alien street
In an alien country
Looking for an alien apparition she saw in a dream
Yet swore that she would recognize 
That she would make a gift of her future to his present

And there was not a single ounce of doubt in the soundness of this blind faith
In the scope of fortuity

The night was young 
And there was no one else walking down that street as we strolled about

We both kept quiet for a long, long while
Cold breeze brushed our cheeks

"Thank you

"For coming with me.", she whispered, her face fading into the blooming darkness

"Perhaps it was all to bring me here, get disappointed
Only to find my answer as I turned back where I came from.
That is my truth."

There was nothing to say back, strangely

When did I become so superstitious?, I wonder

This time my inner voice wasn't indulging in satire
While chewing on gum
It was as quiet deep within my soul as that street
Perhaps because I knew all along
Or
Thought the same : Every road leads to some end
When it leads to a mute wall then it must've been the journey

I wanted to come here
I wanted to be here
Stand back to watch as she embraced the truth of all truths :
In every direction, God has lain down an infinity of branches
And has given us the freedom, all the freedom in this world
To pick our path
To indulge in not knowing
And that gleam
Oh, that blaze of all constellations falling into place
That flickers in one's eyes as they realize the truth of all truths ,at last

Is why I spill my heart to strangers I would never meet again.

......................................

On that same night we walked arm in arm into the house of wonders

The Jennie at the door of the back room said in an undertone
When I habitually tried to cajole my way in

"We are going to quarrel if you say that again."

I knew by instinct that I shouldn't lie to this man

He knows
Who I am

See, there exists in this world a certain breed
With fuming storms in their chests
Bullets loaded into their tongues
Oil for vigor in their veins that spill out
And burn when they bleed

It was there and then that I realized my truth

I was looking all along for a person
With such beautiful flames in their eyes
A man with a passion so strong
It only dies
With the warmth in their guts

I didn't know his name either

Oh but I found a little piece of the sun left out
In this house of beautiful, beautiful things
Chambers within chambers, and the Jennie
He stood there in guard like an Archangel
Fending for everything dear, letting only the naked of feint
And the austere of splendor pass through these doors into his personal heaven
"Your cause is a noble one", I told the blonde descendant of the Tsar
And though I don't believe that fate is written in stars, I knew that our fates
Would've strove to intertwine, had we met in another time
And we spoke for hours and hours without pretense
Three strangers of three colors, and one raison d'etre
Marauders of life's boons of little blessings
Hidden in strange places

Tonight I've met my fated person, but he wasn't mine in this life

And it filled my heart to the brim, this joy of just stumbling upon him
Deep in this infinite ocean of possibilities
Despite the whimsicality of my choices

Fate, indeed, works in a strange fashion.

Child of The Sun

She finds it satisfying enough to have run half the race
Sweat drops start to form on her brow
Her pace slows mechanically

"I did all I could", she explains

As she stops to a halt

And turns around

Looking for a certain pair of eyes
In the ocean of gazes
Faces grow obscure in the dimness
All looking down, trying to pierce
Through the flesh of the deserter
A cluster of ridicule
It's like the darkness of all the living
Has evaporated
Seeped out of their pores
Reigned over that stadium
Blocking the sun light

"Ecce Homo", she whispered
",falling."

"My heart beated too loud and I ran out of breath, you know
To flush this bad was only expected
I can't push too hard if it leads to my death"

Silence

"Needless to say, my legs hurt so much"

Someone scoffs

"She thinks folks get by by sitting on their behinds all day
The fool."

"I wasn't made for this kinda toil, you see
I grew up too spoiled to run leagues I couldn't fathom
From the windows of my room
Besides, I always took the lead in my head"

Ah

They wouldn't understand, though

I always took the lead in my head

Been told to run races 

And go to places
So I did,
The fault is not mine

The jeers and giggles start to bite from the depths of the silence
Shift to a treble that still escapes the ear
But never misses the bight
How is it that the abyss becomes the face of a lover
The longer you stare
The longer it peers 
Into you

"Wasn't it enough ?
To be this sick at soul", she exclaimed
"And still have to be told that
I wouldn't know unless I've tried
Only to be tried for not knowing
How to run miles non stop
With the smile of a gallant that was born running."

I
Could run ,I know it
I could run alright
But where to run to when I have crossed that line
In the end ?
What to run for when I've covered every inch of the tracks
"Wasting your breath and vigor on a pointless endeavor
Is such a disgrace to God's gifts, you see, my lover"

But that was a shameless lie

The girl perfectly knew in her bones
That she was born with the legs of a deer
Standing in motion, before reaching the age of grasping notions
She couldn't dodge the flood
And so she was hit hard
Into awakening

"La Naissance", she hummed
As she closed her eyes
Shifted her ribs apart

Then opened wide her arms

So her heart could be kissed by the sun
One last time
Before drowning into the dark

The girl has been running
All her life
From her shadow

This coldness creeping up the back of her neck

Is the disgust of vying ,for things small

This stiffness in her tongue
Left by the thirst for winning

The unstoppable twitching of her brows
Were born from the fear of eyeing

The bottom of the mountain where the ones with little dreams
Eroded nails, and weak limbs
Were told to lay
For the flood to take them
Take them
Away

"You
Did prove the point
When you tied the badge of intent upon your arm
Shouldn't you quit while ahead in the chase?, now
Content with having been there
Or merely, being at all."

It is true
She is not one to construe, the girl with numb arms
The whispers of the whimsical handler in her chest
Nor is she one to delve deep in the ocean of rue
Over the chances missed
Perhaps
All she needed to prove

Was her will to want
Or her want for a will.

Reflections II

Have always made it a point
To properly watch the fireworks every year
Ceased all conversation
Put down my phone
Tried not to pat an eyelid
Where I am on the globe doesn't matter

This is my grand ritual of re birth 

It's the point on the night where it sinks in
Another one has just ended
And the past one flashes in front of my eyes
Like an old film of black and white
As I gaze into the night

------------------*Boom*
*Boom*
*Boom* *Boom* *Boom*

Crowds rave, lights dance
Ember flicks fall
And fade
Only the smell of ash lingers in the air

*Boom*

It wasn't so bad, was it?

------------*Boom* *Boom*

I've come a long way

Been more honest

Stopped being a doormat

Stepped out of my bubble of comfort
And opened my heart a little

*Boom*

I don't dislike who I've become

---------------------

The ones I cherish the most are standing next to me

And I take the time to remember the few
Missing on this cold eve

"May the lord lighten up your grave 
Like this dome"

----------------------

"But you are missing this"

How many funerals has it been?

Stopped counting when my tears ran out

People forget so readily
Or pretend to move on
But death lived in my chest for a while

Sat on the couch between my ribs
I can't
Pretend to be strong, like they do

-------------------------*Boom*

This is not the time to mourn, bloke

My fingers tremble as I cling unto these cold bars
All the stars on the plain above took leave for the night
I shouldn't be crying
It's so pretty
But I wish you could see this
I shouldn't be crying
I try to utter a few prayers in the gaps between my heaves
But I wish you could see this
I wish you were here
I wish you were alive to exclaim out loud
"What a wonderful year it was"

Maybe it wasn't

Because I can't stop the tears

They disobey my command, like the words out of my tongue
Out of my pen, jetted by my keyboard

The world is dressed in colorful joy

Content is exhaled along with the laughter
Another year is sealed away
In the attic of our minds
I alone
Wept bitterly
And when the noise rose and swelled in willful glory
I let out the whines, howling
Like an injured beast

I never felt this lonely, embraced and patted by this cryptic sorrow

Could no one else feel this shiver deep in their marrows
A cold rush up their spines
As they rise from the shore were life has washed them
Nay, spat them,
Mere skin and bones with decaying flesh
Dust of dismay stuck between their molars

Could no one else tell where we stand on the cord of life
At this eternal moment
Galleys of naught lay deep below
Bleak horizons trapped within our irises
Regrets taking abode within our shadows

Could no one else taste an exotic blend
Of grief
Of joy
Of hope
Of foreboding
Of loneliness
Of relief

And it all gushes out in a waterfall of emotions
That cannot be explained but for the tears running down their temples
Quietly, on moments of glee

Does no one else understand what it means to survive someone?

Leave the fallen ones back in the minefield
Of remembrance
Carry on alone into the night
Inexorable and unknown

I really do cry a lot, of late

And for a moment, perhaps too long to be mistaken for a verse
This familiar dome I printed on the back of my eyelids
Was painted with imminent light
The sandclock labored to deliver the final grain
Before starting all over
I
Wiped my tears as I pretended to cough and smiled for the pictures
Somehow, I was reborn again
Already tired.


January 1st, 2017
1: 41 am
Abu Dhabi, UAE