A Farewell To Arms

I tried to pump all the air
I could breath out into the lips of
This dying bond
But I can't run away from the naked
Realization of your neglect when
There was nothing to be gained in return,
perhaps I was the only one thinking that
There are platonic loves that could
Conquer the trials of separation and
The tides of adulthood
Perhaps I try too hard and it's better
To let things die out when it's time
I didn't want to let you go but
I love myself too much to watch her
Break her heart into crumbs for
Alms, not every beggar is a pauper


Farewell, kindred spirit
That was the last time.

The Joke

When enough time has 

Passed, even blue flames

Die out eventually 

In a while we forget the 

Smell of smoke, its fading gray

Mixed with the mist of 

The world we know, see

Time is that delinquent 

Friend that drags love 

Into trouble after midnight
And returns home alone
At daybreak
We always tend to rely on
Redress being ready in its
Uniform at all times
For the calling of pine 

But wait long enough, my child, and 

There will be nothing left 

To save
Pride devours the remaining
Crumbs of Ardor, sits
With a bloated belly in a dark corner
While time chuckles as it
Lights a cigarette.

Letter to Solanine 0

"What a coward", I said
"You drew a circle
Around yourself in the sand and
Swore a solemn oath to never
Transgress :
This is where I'll keep
My sorrows.

You said you'd gladly be the
Coward at the shore than the bald
Sailor that jumps into the storm
"One lives but once", you said, "and
I can spend that life in the warmth
Of my home."
"One lives forever, if he pleases", I replied
"Or one could be dead already,

So what of it ?"

So what if I'm dead?


I stopped painting the sea and now
I pour rainbows and my world has gone
Mad, in a quiet way, it's been
A while since I've felt too much of
Anything.
I've shown you my darkest corners
And you never flinched, I
Did not plan this far, stranger, and
Now I stand bare on your
Pedestal, how did we end up here?

My little deer, you don't understand
The danger you've just invited to sit on
Your lap, this right here is not
Boldness, it is not a love for life
It is not a brighter outlook from the
Balcony of a sublime thinking, I
Jump head first because i want
To go young.
I'm a Coward numbed by the
Human condition and adrenaline.
I'm Penelope's shroud, my love,
I come undone when
No one is looking.
I wake up with tears that i
Don't remember being shed.
I pine for a man that pretends
To be dead, and
I don't want to settle for the role of
His coffin.

De Profundis ii

He asked me
If I've ever been in a dark place, the lantern
On our table flickered, aghast at the disturbance
In the rhythm of my thoughts
A Jazz band was playing in the lobby
"How did you find your
Way back?", he asked in his casual manner
As if he was asking about my day at work or
What I had for lunch
Took me a long time trying to decide if
I should suppress my deflective retort
Molded from cynical humor and poetic sarcasm
But the night was young and
His eyes weren't grinning
So I blew off the dying candle and let my
Guard mix with the soaring smoke
Into the cold air of November
It's like learning how to float, you see
The more you think about drowning
The lower you sink
The more you try to protect the loopholes into your
Inner self, the more it burns
Everywhere
The more you yearn for a stable footing,
The weaker your legs would feel
But keep kicking
Keep moving, someone yells in the background as if
There is some higher purpose for this trial
One they slight, because they don't
Remember its throes anymore
Everything is bathed in a light of wisdom when
Enough years have passed
Stop gazing at heavens all the time
Looking for signs, you will drain all your hopes
Puff your chest with the little faith you can muster and
Let go when
You can't keep it anymore

It's okay,

You can
Take a dip into the dark, for a little bit when your spirits fail
Sink into the bottom where quietness reigns
Sounds are disfigured and fate weighs
Heavy on one's head


Survival is a never ending battle

But nobody tells you that
It makes us look weaker

Perhaps I never did, then, get out
Indeed, I
Only grew used to the dark


I am in the dark place, still

Made it my home, throw cushions and
Crumbled papers

Is it written so clearly on my mien, though

That all it takes is a break to catch my breath
For me to drown beyond reach ?

Letter To The Crab iii

You can't put a finger on your broken, can you ?
You were only taught
That men never cry when it hurts
And all they made was a handful of invalids
Looking for pain killers when they are still bleeding
There is a hole in your chest that you can't fill with
The roars of laughter , and
You seek strangers until you learn their names
Fall in love at first sight
Until you blink
I know, because we are one and the same,
Bearing the burdens of the world, like they
Are solace to our souls, we carry
Tragedy in our soles, with such style
We hug like we can glue a shattered person,
Whole
And yet somehow, we end up sobbing alone against a wall
No wails
Not even echos pat on our shoulders
We
Are the ones that love with a terrifying readiness for martyrdom
That we forget to keep some for our dark parts

We are the ones that swallowed the iceberg
Broke the tips they deigned to notice and yielded them weapons for
Survival,
We are immaculate in our sadness
We are
Humans,
All too human and sad
And I love you for laughing so loud when
Your eyes look so lonely.

想念

I look at you and all I see is a life, properly wasted
Filling the slots of your idleness by things that cannot fill
Your heart
In many ways we are the same
Trying to postpone my nightly appointment
With cynical thoughts
By trivial endeavors
Muffle the voices in my head with
Loud music and broken chatter

You,

What are you running away from ?

You make it sound like my
Absence was my last gesture of spite as
If it was meant to hurt you, beloved
If I relied on some sentiments of yours to
Be still dwelling like a wild Orchid, in the cold I
Would've
Fought
For you
This right here
Is not a punishment,
This is self-indulgence.

Pine in The Flower Garden

I wonder why we never take the hints carefully
Hidden beneath the wings of sad jokes and
Within dry laughter lines
We are quick to brush the little crumbs of revelation under
The rug of negligence
It's easier that way, isn't it
Denial costs none
I face a hard time myself trying to define the blurry line between
Jest and innuendo 

I wonder if I've been crying for help just to amuse myself when I 

Was the one that jumped into the rabbit hole 

Perhaps I'm still falling.
Perhaps I hit the bottom and am

Already dead, been seeking in

Strangers and dire straits, what makes my

Heart beat once again, for a little bit

Longer

Oblivion tastes so sweet, I wonder 

Who would ever want to wake up willingly 

Madness prevails in a world where 

Everyone feels everything 

Isn't consciousness the heaviest

Burden of all?

What a strange concept, intimacy
So irrelevant of time
You may have just met but
Could still chat while sipping on hot chocolate like
You've been married for 30 years and all your
Kids were shipped away into the open sea of life
Musing on so many memories that you
Didn't create yet
You may not meet often but you

Could still pick up the thread where it fell off
Waste little time on regrets and blames
You may have known each other for years yet

Still feel so lonely
Together.

If you thought that my loneliness
Would push me back into your vortex,
Beloved, you are still a stranger to my
Ways
See, loneliness was my first friend,
It was always the elephant in the room
Sitting straight between us
Wryly munching on the silence.

Chorus of Rust

You said that I am too cruel,
Cutting ties like I'd chop a bad stem
Proffering connections and then opting out
On a whim, I smell an accusation here
It's not for sport that I get entangled during
My idle walks, dear
There must be some grand idea behind
This apparent nonchalance, but surely
Satire is the easiest way out
Questions of consequence burden me so
I run.



Hey, isn't life just like a painting you cannot buy ?
For all the money in the world
A beautiful, beautiful cluster of mistakes
Covered and intended
You could admire it as long as you want
On that wall
You can even stall your leave till the end
Of the night, but you shall go home, eventually
Forget about it when
You wake up
One day
And it wouldn't matter.

Odoro no Michi

I will try to be softer
Kinder
Less defiant
More reliant
Forgive me, lover, I grew up so used to
Standing up against the world, sewing
Thorns onto my skin, a constant
Struggle for being, an endless
War within, that I
Forgot how to let go of my guard
I learnt quite late, that the most rigid pine
Wouldn't survive a hurricane
Falling before the laughter of
The swaying bamboo.


                                                               -Rain

Kyori

You asked me for space and I
Gave it to you guiltily, as if
My shadow has been bullying yours
Over turfs
You never realized that I've
Mastered the art of non existing
Puff
I clean up my traces and blend
In a swarm of faces
My past disappointments made me
Shrink with a readiness
For flight at the first flinch
Distance is a queer concept, indeed
How would I have known that
I was supposed to fight
For you ?

Nothing is heavier than the words that
Cannot be said
They scatter in the backyard of one's mind
Like school boys at recess
Fumes of unrest
Rise and mix with the air, when
Silence prolongs
Dull the wit of the wise and
The alphabet seems to shrink to some exclamations
And a few sighs.

Ima, yoku wakatta
Myoujin ja nai da ro
Saisho kara
Kesshite nakatta.

Limbo

"The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world."

                              -Hermann Hesse


When a world falls apart, the black sky that
Lies beyond is an abyss
Staring intently into your soul
My world was destroyed by the flood
All of the sudden, every thing I used to
Believe in shattered into a thousand pieces
Sparkling in the void of my being
I'm exaggerating
In many ways, but in this moment I am Ultra and my
Metaphors shall bloom like dead stars.


It's hard to believe in the value of things when
You get stripped of the right to trust in permanence 
Nothing stays the same
People come and go, and death does not negotiate, when it's time
Basic facts but they are the mean kind,
Slapping one into remembrance
At random hours of the day,
As you step on dried up leaves and muse
On the sounds that seem too real
I may not be alone in this fray, many a young
Soul might be wallowing in the gust of derealization
But I wonder if it's okay, no one seems to notice how lost we are
How does it feel on the other side of consciousness?
This state of limbo has gone too long
And it makes me
Unresponsive to the pokes of foreboding

Indeed, at times I feel everything
And at times I am numb, so much that I perceive the world as if I'm trapped
In a chasm between shadow and light
My whole world was destroyed by the flood and none
Of the things I thought were reliable constants in
This reaction of propagating chaos remained as such
At times I remember as if I came out of a dream that this
State of stillness, though it feels as safe as my mother's lap,
Cannot go on because that's the law of the universe
But I wish
I wish with all my heart that I never come to
It's nice not to feel much for a change when You've felt enough
For a life time


I may love you infinitely
But only for this moment and I know how naive it sounds
In the great scheme of things but we are going to die anyway
And there is no point squeezing my heart dry, it's not going to change the fact that
This can never last because we are perishing ever so minutely even as I speak
I know that sometimes I make no sense for all my brains and
Sometimes I wish I could keep on silent because I'm never certain
If my heart is well explained, or it's just that
My infrequent rhapsodies are pitied the way you'd dote on a premature newborn
But I can't help it
You nod all the same with that signature smirk of the eyes
You get it, although you don't,
And I love you for that.

Ashes

Do you know what Tender Curiosity is ?
I guess Fitzgerald meant that everyone is so charming
From afar, naturally
The inevitable bloom of a lover's flaws has
A tendency of slapping a fool
In the face
I'm quite accustomed to
My sentimental swings at this point, that I know
This violent phase,
Too, shall pass
Disillusionment emerges from the wreckage
Like the strings of light from the dead skin of a storm.



I guess if I wanted to break it down to you, it would be like this
If you were the half-full glass
They turned into a cliche
I would take a few sips, before
Spilling you all over, at the hottest hour of the day



If you were the still water that they say runs deep
I'd dip my toes just to tease the crawlers
Before delving right in
I never learnt how to swim, though I tried
I'd sink like a ship with a broken keel
But did you know ?
The worst part of drowning is that it
Burns, and I
Carry ashes in my chest for
All the charred sentiments I kept burning
Throughout my life.

With time I've learnt to be as obtrusive as a summer cloud, scattering strings of qualm
Despite being blank
Walking in and out of lives like I tiptoe on shreds of glass
An apparition
With an opaque shadow
Someone passed through here, they made little difference
While they stained
Everywhere

Letter To The Crab II

A disquieting affair,
Having to stumble upon your double
Walking in broad day light, with such bravado
Though one cannot confuse us in human form
Our shadows get jumbled in the haze of dusk
Two mirrors on opposite walls
Infinite reflections, cracks that manifest in perfect sync
The echoes of my thoughts reflect off your skin
As polished as your ways of changing the flow
And it sorta glows in the dark
How dare you appropriate my existence so casually ?
No wonder Yakov has gone mad


I long gave up trying to poke holes in
Someone else's convictions
Not that I built mine on solid soils, I
See that in your case it's rather the lack of any, though
A blank canvas, terrifying as the death of an idea
Slithering behind whims you could never master
Picking a job that would kill you faster
You are trying to fast forward through the sluggish
Intro, skipping towards the light at the
End of the tunnel, aren't you ?
Just to see what's waiting beyond

Can't say it's the worst plan.


The world must look so amusing to you from afar
Always watching, never taking part
Drifting along, no creed, no woes, no grudges,
No enemies, no friends
No impressions of the world
No rhyme, no reason
No bonds that last longer than a season
Living in an abundance of time and carelessness
Jack of all trades except for candor

Hey,
What are you running away from ?

Letter To The Crab

I get fritty when I set next to you
Proximity wakes up my little goosebumps the way
One's closing index agitates the tip of their nose
A mixture of anticipation and ire
It's better than sitting opposite of you
Since I could talk for hours without having to
Look you in the face, truth is
I've been avoiding your gaze for the longest while
But it feels like your non obtrusive peers of curiosity though
So benign, still pierce
Into my side and I get conscious of my own voice
That I forget to align the words
I could tell no lies, even when I intend to whip the truth
So beautifully on the crust of affectation
I used to do this when I was bored but I
Never thought that I would swallow a dose
Of my own medicine, served so abstracted of ulterior motives

I've never noticed a disruption in your rhythm when I flung
My stones of curiosity, white noise buzzes in my head
As I try to guard up my kingdom against yours
In time I realized it's because you were hiding in plain sight
When I've been running away, all my life
Until I hit the mute wall of realization; as if
It sprung out of echoes and not bricks
Life is brief, full of flickering embers of
Laughter and sorrow, evasive
Like smoke
Colorful smoke ejected from all the planes
Dancing grandiosely along the coast line on Martyr's Day
Smoke and anarchy and
Disenchantment.

Your silence is as loud as the yellow of the sun and you
Don't seem to mind being misunderstood for lack of an explanation 
It's such a drag isn't ? being demanded to unbolt the doors
When you don't intend to leave your skin
I've read a lot about your kind, men that bask in a solemnity
Of sorts, they never lower their buckets
Into the well in which they drown their impressions
Of the world
And it is quite unsettling, when you giggle in a summoned
Earnestness and it sounds like the flaps
Of a restless dove in the heat of siesta
I know that you are hiding all the cynicism of
Your past life that yet dwells in the crevices of your
Laughter lines
I don't remember who told me that
But those that laugh more than they speak
Often have so much to cry about.

My mother wanted me to become a doctor,
Like the rest of my siblings and cousins
But I'm irreconcilably afraid of sharp things and blood
It's why I've grown good with words
It is also why I've never got my heart broken
I wanted so bad for my thoughts to come into existence so
I've become what I am
It feels like everything I've done in my life I've done out of spite
At no one in particular, perhaps at terrible books and washed out cliches
No blood was shed, in that silent war
Only disappointments
I guess it is why I have a tendency for trying to fix
Things well beyond repair
A hack of sorts
Bending over rags and bones
Writhing affection and wriggling bonds
Strange, you could run to the end of the world from
Your destiny and still bump into it in a back alley.

Nah

I never leave this tight suit of awkwardness, do I ?
Even in a bustling crowd I still hide within
When I'm laughing out loud I don't expel all the air in my lungs
And when I'm with you, I always see myself reflected in your eyes
Do I always look this broken ?
Stuck in a rift between shadow and light
Does my voice always seem to dither between two notes when I try to fill
In the gaps between our lines ?
Have my thoughts always stripped so casually?
No wonder I'm told how I disturb the rhythm of folks
When all I did was gaze too long and say not much
Listen too well and forget too quick
Perhaps I'm not made for the sunny days
Being exposed to the harassing gazes of curiosity
Perhaps blending in is a trade I missed among all the trades I tried to master
But is it so terrible that I stopped trying to change?
Started to paint the background I chose to blend with
Is it such a dire straight to be a misfit?
A civil tag for those who took the red pill
I wonder
I like the way I am, never a dull moment.

There is a secret joy in not telling the people you love about each other. Precious gems better be kept apart so each could shine more grandiosly. 

To Vulcan II

I asked the Lord for solace and He showed me your apparition
That was around the time we met, now that I think of it
But I mistook your face for that of the one I had thought
Was my fated person
Timing was always off with us, wasn't it ?
"If only", drips from your temples as you drench
Yourself in regrets


When I say that you've found me at a strange point in my life
I don't mean the clutter in my affairs
It feels that I shared a womb with restlessness that I drag it along
With my shadow
My heart is closed now, and when I get up in the morning
There lies on my tongue a need for shrinking back into myself
When no one is looking my way.



It is I, first
This body, this face, this mind
This heart
My limbs
My poetry, my cliche idea of art
It is I, now, and there is no space left for somebody else
Yesternight, you visited my heed at dusk
A guest, unexpected, and didn't knock in that ashamed realization
You stood at the door for hours, listening
And I thought that perhaps too many strangers have stood at this door
Waiting for me to come out of my stupor of sadness and self-indulgence
I love it inside
And I'm not going out anytime soon, but
Shall we talk through this door, perhaps ?
Humor me.

Severance

I forgive all
I tell myself on breezy afternoons
And sometimes when i'm making jokes to myself and smiling like
A fool, I
Miss you, badly
Before I have to remind myself that you've had your chances
To earn your place on my list of concerns
I fail to remember that I'm ought to forget
More
Alas, I forget none
It's both my blight and boon
Please close the door on your way out, I
Don't wish to burn bridges, it's just
That the rustling of the hem of your absence brings gusts of winter
You decide to place yourself first but you turn to scoff and find
That no one is standing behind
You and the grunts of sordid realization muddles

With the ripples of higher questions on the merit of petty gestures 

And the brevity of existence
Bland Thursdays, nameless numbers
Truant mutuals, empty conversations with strangers
You wonder, as you wander
Is it you ? That drops folks like the dead skin of a boa
When it becomes more weight than glory
Is it they ?
Always too cruel
Forever unworthy
The secret agent of probable outcome shrugged his shoulders
And lit a pipe
Drew a long breath
I thought I needed to clad my heart in boulder, as I grew
Older
Seems that I need to learn the art of softness
All over again.

Bedelia

I never lie,
I obfuscate
If you know my person you could tell that I seldom
Go past the prelude when I read aloud what's on my mind,
It's hard to explain the sweet delight in telling
The truth laced in brass satire and
Shifting metaphors that it would forget
How its own face looks like

A lie more truthful than truth itself
Truly, the invention of lying was a major waste of imagination

When one could uglify the truth naked

It would barf at its reflection in the mirror
Lo, if my whimsical feats confuse you
It's because they defy rhyme and reason out of utter spite
If my midnight rhapsodies lose you it's because
Sometimes I say things for the sole purpose of clearing some

Space in my head so I could sleep in peace
And it's in your very best interest to not waste your efforts trying to understand,
Even I have stopped trying, after a while
I bear no guile intentions, as I instigate perplexity
And I don't stand contemplating the complexity of the
Ripples my plunged feet has caused
It's a product of lightness, rather than condescension, really
But that's a glutinous thought for another idle night, beloved.

 

 

 

“— seeks the storm As though the storm contained repose.”
And in a leonine voice he cries defiantly:
“Let the storm rage with greater force and fury!”

I'm terribly sorry.

Criminal

I'm sorry that I broke you
Would like to say accidentally but I knew it was
Bound to end thus, when you ran away first
You gave me the power to hurt you
I'm not good with delicate men, see, I'm a bold lass
I'm sorry
That I stole the little faith
You had in good things happening to
Those who wait
Good things evade those who wait
And run towards those who would stoop to conquer them
Clutch at their throat into submission
Good things happen to those who seek
And I'm sorry that I
Didn't care enough to apologize properly
You will never know that I am sorry
Perhaps I am not
I'm too self-centered to mind the world as I tiptoe around chagrin
And I tried to soften your edges
I didn't know where my indifference hit you
Because I was busy covering my eyes from the impact, see
I've learnt that silence cuts deeper than words, sometimes
And no matter how much I tried to beat myself up with the whips of guilt
My only crime was that I did nothing
A bottle of silence
Convoluted, and half full
You say I contain magic but these fumes dwelling in my empty quarters would occasionally seep, if left in the dark
And they will manage to suffocate your virgin heart if you stay too close
Beloved, my indifferent grin, though brief and cautious, only seemed to have sprinkled salt and sawdust on your unevenness
As I sawed down the last bridge you stopped at its feet, too scared to cross, see I
Don't like dwelling on what pains my nerves ,I
Wring them plenty when I ram the strings of our conversations
Trying to make music of your broken sentences and nervous gestures
You are making things harder by
Crashing on the corner-most easy chair in my mind
Pigmenting my days with consciousness
Making my shadow heavier
Kindly leave, after sweeping off
Your cigarette butts
And waving into thinness the whiffs of your rancid cologne.

This spot is reserved
For another vagrant of the night
That knows better not to knock.

I wonder when is it that I started to
Seek so many ends at the same time
Randomly hug my mother a bit too tight while passing her by and stuff my day to repletion with things to do
Smile at strangers and text first
Ignore offenses and speak my mind
Perhaps it was when I bailed out on our plans and
You passed away, not long after
An unanswered text on your phone
There is so much living to be done on your behalf
So many calls to make
So many hugs to give
So many jokes to to tell, comic books to read
So many Friday prayers
So many paintings to look at, good music and pates and fireworks on new year's and silly commercials to laugh at
I push to the back of my mind the futility of it all as I hasten to live and hurry to feel, tell me
What is the story of the world ?
Do we live as if death is sniffing at one's earlobes at every moment or
Do we live as if death was an invention
Immortals, basking in the glory of forevers and next times?

Leviathan

There is a hint of the tragic and inevitable when two beings of a kind, happen to find their way through the thickets of life towards the burning zest of  mutual attraction, a prelude to a Dostoyevskian novel
I wish I had your boldness
So much trust in your heart being able to stitch itself again and again
Though missing pieces you gladly gave away as a price  for the sour sweet memories,
Like the martyr you are
You tripped many a time and still persevered, walking right back into the storm they call ardor
I could never learn to do that, no matter how many years have passed
I know my heart is too frail to handle the whimsical shifts of gale, I wouldn't dare
Try it, I
Spoil my own like a Chinese vase
You loved her like a raging hurricane, your entire soul at stake, your might
Your youth
Your softness that lies beneath layers of assumed apathy
She was flickering flames you couldn't
Touch, so you tried to quell like the habit of
All the aqueous beings
The Mind versus Heart is such a sour affair
 I'm a still pond of reveries and idle musings, full to the brim with inner conflicts and interrupted conversations with the sublime and fathomless
We stand at two edges of the world
A rift in between
And sometimes I feel that this pilgrimage of predilection that you made
Is a muffled cry for help
See, the worst trap for a broken person
Is being needed
 I don't believe in stars nor do I care for  the science of chemistry
But I still knew, the way one knows their own limbs in the dark
This madness was not a summer rush, beloved
As well as you knew who I am, behind this armor of indifference, behind all the insolence and shrugs
How strange
People like to answer the calls of vertigo despite themselves
It's in our bones
See, I won't stop you,
But you will get too close and I'll push you away
You will find this colorlessness too convenient, and blend with me in ways I won't accept because
I wouldn't be able to reverse
I know that you understand
It's because you do that I can't keep up my pretences and
It makes me feel weak
The kind of weak that makes me shrivel in loathing and hurt pride
I may not give you my hand as you cling to the chasm that is the contrast between our worldly views
But please, do take better care of your heart
There are more like me in the world
And they tend to swallow your kind whole.

Sometimes it makes me mad, how honest my poetry is. It's bare to embarrassment.
I never tell lies, but I rarely dig deep when it's time to tell truth.
I
Know myself way too well to beat around the thickets of my pretenses, it seems. I want to stop doing this, but I want to understand myself and there is no better way than to probe it like that in the dark. My drafts are full of shameful confessions and I don't want to be out there like that.
Glad that this wall of verbal graffiti is one that not many people pass by.

Heiwa

It seems that I've long lost the war of stoicism
Against the resilient troops of my own indulgences
That is, I no longer find it in me to force my dear self
To limp and stagger over the impassable trials of inconvenience
One of the perks of old age
Having gotten the apathy of a child that doesn't care for the world and the wisdom of a sage
Passed through the alternating seasons of
Learned sorrow and hushed rage
The self is of meek shoulders, see
It had to learn to drill its way through the walls of sullen circumstances
Like a rat scrambling for dear life through the rotten wood of a sunken ship
A "No" tastes less sour on the tongue, now
It scratches less harshly on the roof of one's throat
Lies come chaperoned with qualm
Truths rest well under linen and pout one's cushions
For a good night's sleep, quiet and calm
Black and white make peace over boundaries
Shadows are more tall than mean, you stop running away from yours and would rather hide in it from sordid encounters
And light is for kind thoughts, only kind thoughts and balsamic poetry


When enough years have passed you learn that meanness has been dwelling in our marrows since birth
Meanness and a readiness for shedding pretenses, like withered Orchid blossoms
Strange, I have no children but I would understand how a loving mother could bloody her hands to keep her own, sound
Because this body, this face, my skin, struggling to fend the surfacing scars of lost wars
And the permanent ripples of time
These little windows of peace in the kingdom of my mind and these tired bones, shrinking under the weight of living
Are all that I got left in this fray

Thou shalt not get another piece
Of me.

                                                            -Rain

Vibrato

You are Rosin to my strings
Though sombre and eerie like a muddy river
Too rigid for my liking and quite helplessly broken
You reflect the light that shines on your dark skin
Like a punitive truth on naked sin
You ease the brakes on my candid
As I exhaust the spring of my tender words
The splendid honeysuckle of my youthful songs
This flare and glory
Verily ,it would all be in vain
Mere scribbles on a smudgy pane
Hastily fading in the haze
No echoes, no music
No vibrations
Without the comfort of having you
In the smallest pocket of my case.


                                                              -Rain

Snedronningen

I'm not playing hard to get
If I'm to use your terms, abstracted to bitterness
It is just hard for me to come into terms
With the idea of being sought 
Ever since I could remember,
I ran from my shadow, and no one
Chased after me, and
I learnt to give out sentiments, the ardent type You may argue that I perhaps lack and yet
Try to assume and wear like a suit of skin
Tailored a bit too small, stretched over this bulk of flesh and flimsy nerves and bashful stiffness
And I accept the love I'm given with an air of indifference
The way I accept the sun light and rainy days
And the dents in the pavement
It just doesn't taste the same
When it is an echo and
Not the first call
My good sir, with a gaze so tender
You may think that high walls are meant to protect
And whatever lies within isn't as strong as the brick
It is true in a sense
But there are kind beasts that wallow in self laceration
Thinking that they are too vehement for the world
For I
Either love with my all
Chaos and madness and domination
Or exhale love like a spring breeze
Before I'm gone
For your sake, my child
Not all walls are built to be demolished
I've been doling out these little treats of affection
But they were never pieces of my heart
Bits and crumbs of a state of mind
Hastily changing with the passing seasons
And I thought that folks did the same
Treating  romance like a game, a struggle for power and a bravado of the ways of courtship
And to use your terms ,you could try to become a better shooter
But I'll just add another foot of concrete
And although I have the airs of a queen and
Secrete whiffs of haughtiness
As I walk by
Beneath this skin is a fragile being
That's never been hurt before
So tread with caution
For I'm a casket of glass and my shreds
Cut deep.

To Ludvik

I have found
That we are plenty different, I
Have learnt to store words in my lungs
Dwelling with the air I inhale
Though sullen and quite heavy with
Something akin to guilt
I have found that the grapes of soberness
Grew and spread in my chest
Though with whiffs of melancholia
To be loved by a master of words is to carry
The weight of their broken vanity, their sharpness
Disarming vulnerability
Cornered to a wall by the swords of pathos
You
Are danger.


                                           

Hageshī

Someone once told me that I'm "too intense"
It sounded like an accusation
But I'd like to think it is a great bliss
To feel everything so deeply
People like to blame it on the stars
The alignment of Venus and Mars and
How long one's been kissed by the sun at birth
It all makes up the tragedy and mirth
One carries in their soul
Perhaps it was a rainy day when I was born
November sky aghast and forlorn
But I don't dislike it
Wearing my emotions as an armor
My words as a lance
I would dance in the rain
And pat all the scorpions.

                         

Water

Time after time I find myself
Drawn to the ocean
Long before I've come to learn
That I'm made of water
Time after time
I find myself drowning
While my shoes are still dry
A lump of emotions
Stuck in my throat, bulging
My lips sealed
My eyes resting
Tears roll down my temples
As I drift away.

Timshil

"Consider the lilies of the field
How they grow
They don't toil,
Neither do they spin.
It's seems like a habit you can't kick
Picking flowers you stumble upon
Just to let them wither in a forgotten vase
Next to your bed
You brute
I've finally understood how it feels
To lose control
Why they wrote that love shreds one's heart
Before it stitches it whole
How the lock of your rib cage scratches
A wild beast is dying to break out
You could hear it grumble at night, as you lay alone
Stretches its limbs and pokes at the hinges
Stills into your guts, for fun
And stings at random
At the mention of someone's name
I've been stung
And this venom tastes sweet
Though it swells in my veins
My head is full with the thoughts of you
My gaze searches for you
In a crowd of strangers

I ache
I ache
I ache, for you

And I could smell the sweet, sweet
Traces of ruin
Along with the words you speak

I'm sick
With you


You called me a saint
And I fell,
For you
Keeping the sheets of my expression so calm you wouldn't tell
And I thought i never
Needed to learn how to swim but
Did you know ?
The worst part of drowning is that it
Burns
Every time I caught you sneaking a peek
Through the cracks in the distance between us, I wondered
If you saw me
Or saw through me, like I saw through you
It's just that our kind
Have the kinda guileless eyes that see through
The wicked lies and ulterior motives
Appearances and pretenses and
Fragile masks of fulfillment
How come I know you this much
Like I know myself ?

I carried the night along in a sack
And found that there was peace in the dark
As well as belonging
But here comes the sun
And I spun around, tryinna escape your orbit
I wished that you stopped digging under my skin
Before you reached my marrows, I
Don't want you to see how much defeat they harbor
For there I stored the thoughts I didn't want
Dwelling in my head
Disturbing my dreams
Defiling my poetry
Muddling my rhyme and reason
Altering the rhythm of my lungs
Along with my heartbeats,

See I

Can't be suppressing so many urges at once
As I chime in idle conversation

One battle at a time.

1\\

لم نتحدث منذ السنة الماضية
لم يكن الأمر بذلك السوء
نحن لم نتحدث منذ سنوات، صدقا
بيد بعض النكات الدارجة و حالة الطقس
و الفصل الجديد من القصة المصورة التي جمعت بيننا
المضي قدما عبر النهايات الشائكة
يصبح اسهل كلما راكم المرء بعض السنين
في قفة عمره

 الساعات تغدو اياما 

الايام أسابيع و أشهر

 سنة تمضي

 عقد من الزمان ينقضي

في لحظة سكينة تقرع على أبواب فكرك
بينما تعبر باب الثلاثين

كل الروابط التي أقسمت ألا تنحل 

طال الزمان و إن قصر 

باتت خيوط عنكبوت 

حول مقبض الباب

\\

شيء غريب، ان المرء قد يشعر بالألفة
وسط أمة من الغرباء على بعد ألف ميل
من أي وجه مألوف
كتبت كثيرا عن رغبتي في الرحيل
لكنها لم تكن وسيلة الى هروب
محض غاية

سطح قطية، بلا سلم للنزول
و في خاتمة تأملي ،بعد لم أفقه تفاصيل أمنيتي
هل هي الحدود ام المسافات؟
هل هي الوجوه الخاوية ؟ 

الظهور التي انحنت قسرا تحت ثقل المعايش 

هل هي الذكريات التي ترتعش بعنفوان الحداثة؟

سماوات ملونة 

أزهار تعبق بالوعود الكاذبة
فراشات ذات اثواب غريبة

شقوق على الرصيف 

تؤوي ثورات لم اسمع صليلها من قبل 

واقعي لم يكن رماديا كما تظن، عزيزي

ماضي ، ربما كان شاحبا كجدار بلا لوحات
في بيت شيخ وافته منية الفراغ
قبل ان توافيه منية الهالكين

مستقبلي كان مشرقا 

مثل الشمس على سهول شبابي ،كما يقولون 

لم ارد الهروب من اي شيء قدر ما اردت الرحيل الى

... شيء

 لم ادرك بعد ماهيته 

رغم ساعات تأملي 

قبيل الانزلاق الى عالم الغفلة 

كان ذلك قبل ساعة

\\

الثانية عشرة مساء 

هذا الفراش بارد جدا 

لم نتحدث منذ عام ، منذ يوم ميلادك تحديدا

حفظت تاريخه على هاتفي

عددت الدقائق و الساعات

و أرسلت تهنئتي عندما دقت الثانية عشرة
 قلت لي "شكراً"

"كيف لي ان انسى؟"

اجبت وانا على مشارف الغفلة

عيد ميلادي كان بعد أسبوع

أتذكر ؟ 

كنت في كل مرة تسألني من باب اللباقة 

و نضحك على المصادفة التي جمعتنا، ايضا

لكنك لم تذكره قط 

6 سنوات و لم تذكره مرة

 ربما رغبت بالرحيل زمنا قبل ذلك 

كنت أحمي بيت العنكبوت 

من صبيانية النسيم و من نوائب الدهر
لزمت جدران صمتي و لم اخرج قط من داري

وإذ به ينهار

كتل من الخيبة و الغبار 

عندما أجبت داعي الفضول
طارقا على بابي
\\
ربما

ربما ، ذات الحاجة في نفس يعقوب

التي لم ادرك كنهها في أعماق قلبي البتول 

كانت محض أمنية طفولية
 ربما، في ترحالي الذي بات نوعا من السقم
في فتحي للباب و فراري هاربة
كل ما ملكته خلفي
و ضيفي الحيران
قد عقد الخذلان لسانه
بيت العنكبوت الواهن يتدلى من قبضة الباب
قدماي تقطران دما
البيت يحترق
العالم يحترق

ربما أردت ان أتيقن ان كان أحدهم
سوف يذكر يوم مولدي 

في غيابي.

3//

17.01.18

أعلم ما جال بخاطرك عندما أطلت النظر في هذا الاتجاه عبر الظلمة
"رب صدفة خير من ألف ميعاد"
 قدمتُ إلى هذا المكان صدفة
التقت أعيننا صدفة
اتخذت مجلساُ عندما بدأتَ بالإزهار تحت ضوء النجوم
صدفة
لملمت أطرافي وهممت راحلة عندما نفضتَ
بقية قطر الندى من على صدغيك
صدفة

لا تنظر باتجاهي بينما تصارع البدر على تألقه
كأن المكان امسى فارغاً من كل ظل
سوى ظلينا
ليس من شيء مصيري في هذا المشهد
على ما يبدو انك رحالة تبحث عن الصدف ذات المغزى
تشابكت خيوط رؤيتك بحذاء رحالة أخرى
تتوجس أي البساتين أبهى زهوراً

و ترحل مع أواخر الصيف، بعد لم تقطف أي تذكار

ما معنى أن تعثر على الوردة التي تشتهي
إن كانت ستفنى على مزهرية تتقي وهج الشمس
جارة لجدار شاحب
لا تنظر إلي كأن لقائنا فاتحة لذلك الكتاب المكسو بالغبار

في رف تركته إلى بعد حين
الصدف لا معنى لها

لذلك أسميناها صدفاً.

The Woman That Was Afraid

12.02.17

In cold nights she sleeps with her back facing the wall

She knew

The crawlers of the dark like to chew on tender marrows
And her bent spine 

The safe of her heaviness 

And mellow reveries 

Was her weakest post
"Tonight she lies tucked away in her own darkness

The longing she carries stained the bed

As the weight of her emptiness rested heavy 

On her chest

She's wide awake

Wet with longing

Capable of every thing but sleep"
Seems the lord of slumber has sent an apostle 

Rested by her head 

Made a nest of her pillow side

She never dared to look
Her moribund terrors were awaken

He said in a sneer 

"Surrender to my claws 

All it is that you fear."

"New ones awaken

Fear of what could happen
If she surrenders her fears, 

And more fear of what will happened

If she disobeys

"What prayer shall I recite now 

To get out of here? 

What will now become of me?"

She asked an earthquake of questions troubling her bed"

"I'm not afraid at all", 

She uttered

The owl started to pick on her ear 

Basely plucked a few strands of her hair 

She shrunk
"At the darkest hour", her words spilled like cold water 

"A whisperer calls when I'm about to fall
Tried to look in vain for the source 

Searched every nook in my brain 

Perhaps
It was a voice deep within my soul"
"I'm ready to die but death won't come

And life is here but I can't go

My soul is leg in, leg out
My breath isn't an exhale it's escaping my lungs

I'm wrapped in nothingness

I'm drunk on hollowness"
I'm afraid of things I can't name or touch.

Yet can't blame them for none of this chaos
Are they tremors of ecstasy or clutches of terror 

That shook the pillars of this feeble being 

Into an endless state of vigil
Is it the hunger for living 

Or the pine the resided within my core

 That calls in the still of the night 

Am I Afraid to die ?

Or am I still even more 

Afraid to live ?

Coruscāre

It must be my fate
Being drawn to men cut of the same mold
Afloat
So unfair, aren't we
Running around carrying the hearts
We learnt to snatch out of habit
Survival instincts
In a world made of sticks and card boards
Words are nothing but smoke
So I trained my eyes to speak along with
My parted lips
You served truths and lies whipped so well
That one had to watch you closely
Before they could tell
And I never meant to peek too far
It's just the way that I am
Turning stones that sat funny
And I never meant to daunt you
Peer behind screens and cracked doors
Upon your unclad skin
I took to my feet
When you turned my way
And ever since then you have been ashamed
And it was never the same
I ran away
And you never moved

I came back because I couldn't escape




Hey,
Aren't you tired ?

Because I am
How many years it has been
Since I was smitten
There was light as much as there
Was murk emanating
From the depths of your skin
And you glowed
In the dark
Like a third sun
Aren't you tired of being afraid?
Hiding behind metaphors
Pretty words breathed into the crisp air
Of the night
To woo a pretty woman
You thought you didn't deserve
Aren't you tired of coming up with lie
After lie
To hide a shy truth
Ache crawling beneath your skin
Eating you up from within
When you had all
But the relish of your youth
Aren't you tired of wronging the words ?
Sacrificing ballads at the altar of
Self gratification
Because I am
We chose to hide our flaws and the beautiful
Birth marks of our souls

Don't break the rules

The sun and the moon
Could never be together
Chasing one another
And although with the sweetness of warmth
They both quiver and shrink
There is envy and a billow of bitterness
Left in their trails
And they could never share a kiss, alas !
Lest the world plunges into obscurity
An eclipse of eternal predilection
Unquenched
We are both made of water
And yet afraid to swim
Someone once wrote that the sea is black
And it just reflects the sky
But how could you absorb the light
And reflect it just the same
So well
Being made colorless
While making the world colorful ?

"Naze Da ?"

She said, why do you hug your mother
Thus
We will be back before the night
Falls  upon us and she misses you yet

Well,
Death isn't that courteous to wait

Until it's visiting hours
But that is not a line to be said
During such a pleasant day



I wanted to disappear

In a bleak term of my gauche youth, gentle spirit
But I
I was just a child
Didn't know what death smelt like
Before I ran out of tears for the first time
And learnt too late that the dead

Don't care for the whines and wrings

How could I be such an ingrate
Finding romance in eternal quietness
When to be alive turned out to be this sweet
Sweet
Though sour at some bites
I once knew a boy that lost his mother
He was her only son, the wings she didn't have
He used to yell on the phone that he won't be late
And to be left alone for he's out having fun
He's dead inside
Now
She passed away while
He was away
He
Hits the wall with his head, in a spasm
His kin stopped trying to understand
See, you can't kill regret by self laceration

He still jokes around and smokes just the same

But I could see a darkness dwelling between his brows

At odd times

And his smile is crooked it spills angst and wishes of death
Everywhere

He's gone
While still there

A shell of a person and plenty of white hairs
Marrows tired before their time, not a single care
Skin over bones, no rage
No sorrows

Infinite emptiness

Broken knows broken, see


I wanted to disappear

But I was just a child with mindful eyes
Felt too much when I felt too little
One's tragedy outweighs the world
When they haven't held another's
In their arms

How could I be so ungrateful
Running away from home
When it was everything that some broken spirit
Has ever prayed for
Somewhere
At some time
I stole love like I'd steal cookies
So many jars under my bed
An abysmal hole in my chest
And no stars were shining in my sky
Only darkness
A virgin candle in my hand

If you must know,
I hug my mother like it's the last time
Long after I've healed my brokenness
For all the motherless shadows of people
That gone out the door without hugging their mothers
For the last time.